Most people consider their biggest fear to be spiders or heights or a zombie apocalypse — something that is out of their control. I realized though, my biggest fear is myself. I don’t really like height or things that make me feel out of control, but that is all because I fear being alone with my own thoughts. I fear myself in the worst way.
After going through an eating disorder, I know what is feels like mentally to be in a horrible place, and I never want to be back there, but my brain is hardwired for pain. I have always been able to feel pain intensely, and it's like a freight train, and once it hits, there is no turning back. I think I developed a fear of myself after being in recovery because I became so afraid of being sick again.
I always had a knack for being self-destructive. When my eating disorder was at its worst, I felt like I was hitting the implode button time after time, just watching myself go up in flames. After getting away from that mindset, I became so afraid of slipping into that old habit of setting myself up to fail that I didn’t realize I was running away from myself. It sounds crazy, right? Well, let me tell you something when it comes to fighting for myself I have always been a runner, it's so easy to fight for others but if it's about me I will run as far as I can.
I am afraid to fail, and I am afraid that one day I’ll wake and think, why did you allow yourself to stop your from reaching your full potential, why did you get in the way. My fears of imperfection turn into a fear of myself, because I am afraid I will mess it at all up. I don’t trust myself in the way that I should, and I know it.
It is a vicious cycle though, because my fear of self-sabotage is getting in the way of me just living my life. Ironic, isn’t it? I am trying to prepare and protect myself, while — all the while — missing the things fear is taking away from me. It’s so easy to get fixated on fear and our insecurities that we forget to just look up. To just look into the future free of fears and baggage and allow ourselves to be pure freedom.
What does the word free mean to you? The word freedom doesn’t just represent outwardly freedom, but it also represents the freedom you allow your mind. Allowing yourself to learn and grow free of fear, insecurity, hate, jealousy. Feeling that will stop you cold from being able to progress. I never really understood what someone meant by having a “free mind," but now I see that, by allowing fear of failure creep in, I am slowly setting myself up to fail.
Trying to become a better and more progressive person isn’t an easy task. Often, we are our own worst enemies. I found that sometimes, you have to rip it all away let go of your negative emotions and jump head first into not allowing the past to effect the future.
