No one wants to have this conversation. There's no one in the world that wants to acknowledge that something they once thought would never happen is now a reality for them. But sometimes that's just what needs to happen.
My worst fear has always been being forgotten and/or being disregarded by those I love the most and losing them. I know that as much as I know from the 19 years I've been alive, I don't know everything. But I do know that those fears are often a part of life that everyone just has to experience to fully experience living.
I always knew that as soon as I met someone, they too would someday walk right back out of my life. I focus on trying not to connect too much with anyone because I know that in the end, I will be the one crying and tearing my skin apart because I let my guard down and let people in. The reality is that in the past week or two, my greatest fear has become a reality.
When your worst fear becomes your reality, your world feels like it's falling into a million pieces that you will never be able to place back together well enough to ever feel whole again. You feel like all the hope you've ever had in the world and in your future has now caught on fire and gone up in flames in front of your very eyes. Your worst fear being your reality does something to your heart that hurts more than being broken--almost like your heart has been stolen.
It may seem like an overreaction. I get it. But when my lifelong fear of being disregarded and thrown away by people I loved more than I loved myself becomes something I have to wake up to, I begin wondering why I wake up anymore at all. The truth is that if your worst nightmare became something you'd have to wake up and deal with on a daily basis, you wouldn't want to wake up anymore either.
When this realization hit me late one weeknight, I went out on a walk around my campus. I walked around the same places I walked before my nightmare became truth and it didn't feel the same. I felt the darkness of the clouds above me coming down to engulf my soul and entire being, as if it's been the plan all along to kill my spirits and myself altogether. Nothing ever felt the same after that.
When your fear becomes your truth, you have to rediscover who you want to be anymore. You have to take a good look in the mirror and look yourself in the eye to try and remind yourself of who that person in the reflection even is anymore. You have to spend nights praying and begging God for strength to wake up the next day, knowing that you'll have to face the day alone once more.
Truth is hard. Truth is something I never deal with because it ruins my life and has its own way of creeping slowly into my mind and corrupting all of my thoughts. But I have to deal with my new truth that I am now facing my entire life by myself. I think I fully realized this when I was in counseling and remembered that that was the first and only time that week I was able to talk to anyone at all. When your counselor becomes your only friend, you begin to wonder why you try anymore.
It is a struggle waking up anymore and coming to terms that I no longer have the same support I thought I did. It's hard realizing that I am all I have, if I even have that. When your worst fear comes true, you begin wondering what truth is at all.
