The joys of childhood. Back in the days of blissful irresponsibility, we were free to do whatever we wanted once our homework was finished. If you were a lazy little twerp (throwback word) like myself, then this most likely meant tuning into you favorite TV station for some good old fashioned entertainment.
The problem was, you had so many stations to choose from! The holy trinity of Cartoon Network, Disney Channel, and Nickelodeon -- plus PBS Kids for when you wanted an excuse to squeeze in a bonus hour of "educational" TV. As a human being with opinions, I'm sure you had a preference when it came to your go-to channel. But what did this preference say about you then, and what does it say about you now?
Disney Channel
Who you were: You had parents who were a little on the strict side, not as strict as the PBS Kids crew, but they definitely screened PG movies before you watched them, just in case anyone said "darn," "heck" or "idiot." You were fairly well adjusted in terms of who was who on the playground because although you might not get the "All That" jokes your friends were telling, you could gossip with every girl on the monkey bars about how jealous you were of "Lizzie McGuire's" butterfly hair clips on last Friday's episode. Despite your pleas, your mom didn't let you bare your midriff for your "Kim Possible" costume on Halloween, and you were perturbed when you actually found out what a naked mole rat looked like. It's a widely known fact that "Even Stevens" was the funniest show ever to grace Disney's screen, and the "Even Steven's Movie" only sealed the deal. If a Disney Channel original movie came on? Game over, your day was done.
Who you are: So, 10 years later, you watched the "High School Musical" reunion with all your friends, joking about how lame it was, but secretly loving it. You're the type of person who watches all the "NBC Live! Musicals," and tuned into see what "Grease Live!" brought to the table last week (Vanessa Hudgens, just like old times). You dabble in shows like "New Girl" and "How I Met Your Mother," but that's not to say your palate is limited.You recently discovered "How to Get Away With Murder" and are obsessed.
Your burning, unanswered question: Did Phil ever make it back to the future? Hypothetically, what is Hannah Montana up to now?
Nickelodeon
Who you were: You were constantly humming, "Not just cartoons, we're Nick-toons!" under your breath and your lifelong ambition was to get slimed one day. You were the type of kid to get hyped up on orange soda at your friend's birthday party and suffer a massive sugar hangover two hours later. Your parents weren't all too concerned with what you watched, except they didn't really like you watching "CatDog," and could never express why it made them uneasy. Otto Rocket from "Rocket Power" was the first time you were exposed to a douche-bag, and even though you told all your friend that Drake Bell was "totally hot", you secretly like Josh too. It was hotly contested amongst your friends whether "Jimmy Neutron" or "The Fairly Oddparents" was a better show, and Nickelodeon seemed to read your mind when they created "Jimmy-Timmy Power Hour." At the time, your guilty pleasure was "Avatar: the Last Air Bender," but now you can confidently admit it is the most beautiful show ever created. You were probably pretty cool in elementary school, it's OK to admit that now.
Who you are: Looking back, you realize there were some bizarre things going on during "Rocco's Modern Life," and you wonder how it ever got greenlit for a children's station. You're the type of adult who can't resist throwing a "Spongebob" quote into a conversation at inappropriate times, and you've never been able to resist answering the question, "Are there any more questions?" with a well-timed, "Is mayonnaise an instrument?" Nowadays, if you're being honest, you're still watching "Spongebob," but to blend into adult society, you've picked up shows like "The Office," "SNL" and "Breaking Bad," just to spice things up.
Your burning, unanswered question: What actually happened to Arnold's parents in "Hey Arnold"? Was Helga's mom an alcoholic?
Cartoon Network:
Who you were: Honestly, you were kind of weird. Not in a glue-huffing, paste eating way, but in the, "I like playing 'The Sims' because I like to control" type of way. You were really into scaring the shit out of yourself because "Courage the Cowardly Dog" was one of the most disturbing shows to ever be geared at children. You developed a very weird, slightly dark sense of humor pretty early on in life, which no one can really blame you for after "The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy" became a thing. You became the biggest rebel ever after "Kids Next Door" came out, and your parents resented that show above no other, calling it "gross" and "immature." And lastly, be honest, you loved "Teen Titans."
Who you are: You're a bit cynical now. Years of watching "age appropriate" cartoon shows about death, destruction and violence certainly shaped your formative years. You're better adjusted now than you were as a kid, but that's mostly because your dark sense of humor is more befitting of a 20-something than a nine-year-old. As an adult, you've focused your TV watching energy on off-beat comedies like "Arrested Development" and "30 Rock," but you've also been swayed by darker dramas like "House" and "Game of Thrones." You've never understood the need for a laugh track in a show, and you've never had time for it.
Your burning, unanswered question: Where were the adults in "Ed, Edd, and Eddy"? Was Slade Robin's father or what?
