Father's day was Sunday and I did my usual shopping for a present and card that express my feelings for my dad. This year I was so proud of myself because I saw a gift for my dad months ago, scooped it up, and put it away for safekeeping. In fact it was so safe that I couldn't find it-ugh. It's okay though because I have time to get or make something else, I rarely see my dad on the actual day of Father's day.

Card shopping is the worst. I always stand in the isle reading card after card and smirking, laughing, rolling my eyes, and wondering sometimes even out loud-who are these cards for? They are not written for my dad. He does not wear a tie, he doesn't play golf, he does not carry around tools and fix things around the house. He is not an open wallet or the wind beneath my wings and he doesn't really bbq. He isn't any of the dads that I read about in the cards, he is so much more complicated.

Let's get a few things straight off the bat, I love my dad. He is who he is and he is mine. My dad is smart, funny, and athletic, well he used to be:) He taught me how to change the oil in my car, how to ride a bike, how to drive, and how to wrestle like the WWF wrestlers we watched. He taught me how to fish, how to canoe, and how to drive an ATV. He tried to teach me how to play football and baseball but I was just too scared of the ball and would turn my head or duck when he threw it at me. This is some good stuff and some of it has served me well in life but I must have missed the "thanks for teaching me how to cut a worm in half with my fingernail for fishing" card.

Let's get a few more things straight, my dad is not perfect. Sometimes we don't talk for a long time. Sometimes I get really mad at him for not being who I think he should be for me. Sometimes I have to put up boundaries so that I don't get hurt by him. My dad isn't a mean person, in fact many people really like him, including me at times, but rarely do I get to see my dad when he is fully present and able to parent me. My dad drinks. Every day. It affects him, it affects my mom, it affects us all. They don't have cards for that either. Well, that isn't true, I did see several Father's day cards with big beer mugs on them with funny sayings about tossing back some cold ones-but I can't buy those cards. It isn't funny to me.

So this is my truth and it is hard to write. I feel like I'm betraying my dad in some way to talk about it but it is my reality, it has been my reality for as long as I can remember. Don't go feeling sorry for me though. I'm not a poor thing to be pitied and my dad isn't some bad guy who needs to be punished. We are just a normal human family. They say around 43% of U.S. families is affected by someone's drinking. If that isn't normal then I don't know what is. So I can't be alone out there-yet there is no card for my normal.

Here is why I shouldn't be pitied. Growing up with the reality that my dad drinks everyday caused me to take on certain roles in life, and through these roles, I learned a lot and also experienced a lot of pain. Bear with me, I'm getting to the good part. My first marriage was to someone who had a problem with addiction and it ended in a divorce and his eventual passing. Stick with me, it's coming...And through that process I was led to take a good hard look at my life and my roles and my behaviors and decide something had to change. I found a place where I could go and be with people who understood what I had been through. I learned new skills. I met amazing people and I was forced to get on my knees and ask my Higher Power to help me, guide me and heal me. This may sound like a crappy experience but it has been the most amazing gift of my life. I have a chance to live life fully, with tools, and awareness, and with forgiveness in my heart for my dad being a human with failings.

I get to practice new behaviors and set boundaries in my family and in life in general (all new things I didn't know how to do before). The biggest gift for me is that I can look at my dad sometimes and see him for the beautiful person he is. He is just a man, doing the best he can with what he has. No one ever promised me a tie wearing, golf playing, bbq master, open wallet to blow wind under my wings. That was a fantasy. That was magical thinking. What I was given was a life, by my parents. I was given food, and shelter, and education, and love, and laughter, and sometimes even a lot of fun. I was given lessons and chances to grow and love anyway and set boundaries and forgive. I was given empathy for others and adjusted expectations.

So here is a card that I would write if I were in such a business for Father's day:

Dad,

Thanks for giving me a life and for being the best dad that you are able to be. It may not always be what I want and sometimes not even what I need but that is my problem not yours. I know you are doing the best that you can and I appreciate that. I know that if you could, you would want to give me all that I need from you, but I also know that I expect a lot and it is okay if you can't do it. I'm a big girl now and I can take care of myself. That might sometimes mean that we don't see each other all the time, and that I might get angry with how you act or what you say. All of this is normal and to be expected in this situation. Life is hard, let's not make it harder with unrealistic expectations. I'll see you soon with some sort of gift I think you'll like and you will want to avoid this holiday because you don't like holidays. But I will track you down eventually and give you your gift and we can have an awkward exchange about it before you head down to watch t.v. and I go talk to mom. It is what we do and it is okay.

Love,

Carie

Letting go of the fantasy of what a dad is supposed to be and looking reality square in the eye isn't for everyone, but this year it is for me. I'm not going to buy the sappy card that doesn't apply or go out of my way to find the perfect gift to make my dad happy. I'm not a little girl anymore and I don't need him to be that dad anymore. I'm letting the fantasy go and feeling grateful for the reality. It feels like freedom for us both. I can't think of a better gift than that.