David Ortiz is celebrating his final year in the MLB with a farewell tour that has given him gifts and recognition at various parks throughout the season. During the All-Star break, I began thinking about my life and if there was anything that would warrant such praise from places I have been. Alas, the only “ending” coming soon for me is college, so I’ve decided to come up with what I believe would be my farewell tour around my college campus and town.

My Freshman Roommate

“Here’s the dog that I let stay in our room for a couple weeks. I’d give you the boyfriend to who gave it to me, but he I don’t have a clue where he is, and I don’t really remember his name.”

The Dining Hall

“We honestly hoped you would never come back here, between all the fruit, sandwiches, cookies, drinks, cups, and utensils you have stolen we thought you wouldn’t expect anything from us. Well, I guess we can find something for you in the back, we know you love the banana pudding so we can give you a big container of that. Congrats on graduating college, now you’ll actually have to pay for the fruit you want.”

The Laundry Room

“Here’s the 17 socks you left in here.”

The Fraternity I Hang Out At

“Well you know we aren’t organized enough to get you any gift, but we wanted to get you something that no one else could. Since you are graduating, you now have a lifetime invitation to all our parties and formals. We hope to see you at 80 years old still coming to the Halloween Party, cheers.”

The Fraternity I Don’t Hang Out At

“We really don’t know you, but we’ll give you some shots because that’s what we always do to get girls to stay here.”

The Weight Room

“It’s too bad you are graduating because we thought that finally, after four years, you had increased your bench max, but alas, no luck. Between all the workouts and lifting you’ve done, it is actually quite incredible that you have managed to stay the weakest girl on the basketball team. In honor of that strange gift you have, we decided to get you a personalized barbell weighing 65 pounds because it really seems like you will never be able to lift more than that. I hope you have a great life after college and that your hard work pays off a lot more than it did in here. Good luck.”

The Classroom

“After sitting through classes, lectures, exams, and quizzes in this room, we thought the only true way to recognize your efforts would be to give you the desk that you sat in. While this desk connected to its own chair is lightweight and easy to move, it really offers no other benefits besides that, remember when you couldn’t even fit your calculator on the small table top next to your test? That was pretty entertaining to watch really. Anyways, good luck with the rest of your life, I hope anytime you need to write a small letter you still fit in the small gap between the immovable chair and the desk because a full 8x11 paper doesn’t fit on the top.”

The Local Bar

“Thanks for all your business throughout the years, it’s really too bad you are leaving, but we have a feeling you will be back. We decided to honor you by framing the part of the wall in the bathroom where you wrote your name in lipstick. We actually just saw that a few days ago, because we hadn’t been in there to clean it for a few months. Here’s the tube of lipstick you ruined that you can keep in memory of us. Also, you owe us about $60, so that would be nice to have once you can afford to pay for things. Ok, see you later.”

While my time at college was not spent breaking records or winning championships like David Ortiz’s in the MLB, I hope my last year of college is full of epic goodbyes and time spent reminiscing the past four years. Oh, and the gift giving thing wouldn’t be so bad either.