To the girl I used to be:
I’m sure the last thing you are expecting is a letter to you, about you, about us. I’m sure you are busy, so this won’t take long at all. I have been on this earth for 21 years and for about two years of that, starting at the age of 18, you were in my life. You knew the ins and outs, what ticked me off, what gave me the most excitement, how I operated. You had it down to a science. You knew me so well because you were in fact, me. You were me and at one point in time I was stuck on you like glue. As I’m sure it’s not hard for you to imagine, you played an intricate role in who I am today. An influence that is hard to deny and I remind myself daily of your impact. What a huge impact you had on me.
To say that I was in love with you, well I’m sorry, but looking back, that four letter word did not hold weight. You see, according to Oxford’s Dictionary the word love has two definitions: as a noun – An intense feeling of deep affection and a verb - A deep attachment (Romantic or sexually). When thinking about my relationship with you, the weight that the word love holds in between each letter, and comparing it to the textbook definition of course, I in fact was not in love with you as deeply as I thought, as deeply as you had hoped. You were breaking me down little by little, piece by piece. A painfully addicting dynamic of our relationship that I refused to believe. I thought everything was fine, we, us, were exactly where we needed to be and I was happy. The late night jam sessions and avid amounts of staying out late accompanied by Pat and Ron (Patron) was something you enjoyed, and I followed along. The severing of connections and friendships that wasn’t being nurtured, talks that ended randomly with its not you it’s me. I listened to you because I thought you had my best interest at heart, after all, you knew me like no other. After all, you were me, just not my better half. Self-affirmations such as "you are beautiful," "things are OK" or "I love you" were nonexistent the majority of the time. No effort to wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and attempt to love who was staring back at me. Clearly, I needed so desperately to hear you say those things.
The day that I decided to let you go without hesitation, I remember you followed me around. Everywhere I went. Attached to me, clinging to me so tightly I could barely relax. It wasn’t a good day for me mentally and you weren’t helping. A quality you were never really good at to begin with was putting me first. I wrestled with you all day, trying to at least get an ounce of happiness and positivity from you. That was, of course, nonexistent as well. I so desperately needed for you to be positive. I needed to be picked up and loved on, properly. When I finally heard the gentle whisper in my ear, it did not come from your lips. It was a soothing voice that calmly told me to let you go. I shed you like a snake sheds their skin, vibrant colors thus being exposed to the world. I was new and improved. From that moment on, I knew I needed to listen to that voice. I knew I needed to listen to Him.
With all this being said, to say that you were not an important person in my life would be wrong of me. Without you, I wouldn’t have been able to be the woman I am today, so loving and gentle to the person that has since replaced you. So, thank you. Thank you for bringing me the trials that came along with you. You were strong, but He was stronger. Thank you for your lessons, but I have found a better teacher. The person that has replaced you has picked up the pieces and placed them back together again, continuously making sure that they do in fact stay in place. Oh how wonderful it is to no longer feel broken. I just had to let you go, for good.
Sincerely,
The woman I am now
