In the wake of perhaps the most brutally dividing election season in American history, it is important to remember that some individuals traveling home for this 2016 Thanksgiving will not be welcomed by politically united homes.
As we are rejoined with people from all walks of life, many of us will face controversy that will transform this once wholesome holiday into one of bloodshed and tears. Fundamental aspects of life will be scrutinized by those whom we call family, like whether gay people deserve the right to be married, whether women should be treated as equal to men, or whether it is ok to wear your red baseball cap at the dinner table.
In preparation for these contentious reunions, it is important to remember the following strategies for surviving any political quarrels that your relatives might spark:
Scream
Nothing halts a political argument faster than a good, wholehearted shriek from a third party. And if you are one of the people partaking in the altercation, there is no counterargument to a high-pitched screech; only fear.
Stare incessantly
If your grandmother asks you about a recent Facebook post you may have shared regarding the new president-elect, stare deeply and unwaveringly into her eyes until she eventually gets too confused or frightened to continue her questioning.
Throw something
The Thanksgiving dinner table is filled with a prime selection of options for throwing in any direction: rolls, turkey legs, a chair, a younger cousin (preferably between the ages of 0 and 4), a slice of pie, the entire pie, your grandmother’s cane, or even a shoe. Regardless of your choice, it is sure to be a showstopper.
Just keep eating
Nothing drowns out the sounds of horrendous political views better than a bountiful Thanksgiving feast. Your Texas cousins are openly planning to ‘shoot up all the liberals’? Keep munching on that turkey leg. Your 80-year-old grandpa’s talking about how women should ‘know their place’ in society? Down a whole boat of gravy. Your condescending aunt is talking about why her views are the best and only views? Put away a couple pounds of stuffing.
The faster and more voluminous your bites, the sooner their conversations will end – either there will eventually be no dinner left to converse over, or you will vomit and have to leave.
Puke
Closely tied to the previous strategy, barfing is a surefire way to stop any dispute. Either people will be too disgusted and distracted to continue fighting over party platforms, or, if you’re lucky, you’ll start a chain reaction and the perpetrators will start hurling too.
Solemnly quote pop lyrics as if they were said by memorable political figures
As the well-renowned and highly esteemed political activist Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson once remarked, “I kissed a girl, and I liked it.”
Announce blatantly false information
This strategy may appeal to one party more than the other, but it is effective all the same. Imagine the look of surprise on your 70+-year-old grandmother’s face when her 18-year-old grandson pushes his chair back and rises dramatically at the head of the table to announce that he is pregnant with his sixth child.
Refer to yourself in the third person in asking two relatives to stop fighting
“Patrick thinks you should stop. He would really like it if you stopped this right now.”
And finally, if all of these strategies fail, just leave.
No amount of familial obligation is worth putting your own mental and emotional health at risk. If your relatives cannot learn to put their personal views aside for the sake of their family’s wellbeing, then they truly do not understand what it means to be thankful.
I hope this article has left you prepared for any upcoming family reunions and put your minds at ease during this morally trying new American era.
