We don't realize how much things impact our lives until much later. Now, we could definitely say certain events will take an effect on us, but we never know to what degree. It's never the same and trauma looks different on everyone and everything.
To most, a lot of people would see that I was doing well for the most part. I had a new job, a new purpose in life. I was volunteering, and meeting new people, but to the people closest to me, I withdrew. I can't tell you the exact reason why, as it was for a variety of reasons.
I know that it dealt a lot with trust, not wanting to get close or make people worry like they once did when I almost died. I didn't realize that it hurt people to not talk or visit as much. It wasn't intentional, I was merely preoccupied in trying not to remember or making myself active in a way that would hinder flashbacks. Seeing my loved ones, reminded me I almost lost them.
I think it really struck a chord when my best friends, who are agnostic and atheist, came to me, worried about me and my faith in God. They were concerned because they knew how much my faith meant to me and how I was strengthened by it for the longest time. They didn't want me to lose that or God, even though they themselves didn't believe.
A year after settling into a new job, I started to experience a lot of problems both in health and at work. So much, that I contemplated suicide. I even went as far as looking into assisted suicide in other countries. The pain that I was going through, physically and mentally, was taking such a toll on myself that I couldn't stand it. I hit a breaking point in the Summer of 2017 and went to my regular physician because I knew something wasn't right.
The doctors were glad that I reached out, but were sad to learn that I was alienating myself almost. They knew it was common and urged me to change several aspects of my life that would help ease my symptoms. With the right course of medication and therapy, I was able to get back to being a little like my old self, though not without the occasional flashback or breakdown.
It was hard, the road to recovery. I thought I had recovered but realized I was avoiding and numbing myself to the pain. I hadn't dealt with it and to this day, I'm still trying to deal with it. Still trying to come to terms on why I am here and others are not. Why I still have pain in places that should have healed long ago.
While I lost friends and hadn't heard from one of my sisters, it was seeing my other family, friends, and community come together after the flood and at various charity events that helped me the most. I still had trouble talking to God, it did help that others were very open and understanding of my plight and issues. They knew that sometimes, our faith is tested and it was the sheer unconditional love that people gave that helped restore my faith in humanity.
Some days, I don't think that, but in my heart I know it's true. It's what helps me get through each day. It is what helps me keep moving. If I can donate or volunteer for causes and others like these other selfless human beings, then it means I'm not wasting my life. It means I'm here for the long haul. It means I have a purpose again in my eyes, regardless if there was one or not one all along.
Today, I can say I'm in a much better place than I was at a year, two years, to even three years ago now. I've got a great job, an amazing family and set of friends, a cute dog. I bought a house and started new ventures to help my creativity in both writing, photography, and film. It's a process, and while not every day is a great day, I'm reminded that I am lucky to be able to have more days that could be good.
My hope is that when people suffer something traumatic, it's okay to think and feel everything you are going through. But that you know, you are not alone and you are loved. We may not know or understand a lot of life's workings, but it's okay. Life is hard, and it keeps going regardless of your circumstances.
So in the words of Ferris Bueller, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
Life Moves Pretty Fast... www.youtube.com
