As I have just finished my last week of classes for the semester, I find myself struggling to focus on assignments. Perhaps it is because I am graduating and the looming of uncertainty is distracting me from things I must get done. It's hard to stay focus and grind it out when it feels like it's all going to go to waste or you don't feel worthy. It's like Impostor Syndrome except without the success because you haven't even tried.
There is always that cliché saying: "You'll always fail if you never try" or something like that. But society has conditioned us to fear rejection and failure probably more than anything. It's probably my biggest fear in life. The irony lies in the fact that I often don't try because I am striving for perfection. This spirals into self-doubt and thoughts like, "I'm not good enough for perfection" or "I'm not worthy."
It's like falling before you get to the starting line, forget the finish line.
What helps with such feelings, you ask? I have no idea. I've felt like this for years and somehow I've always lost. I never tell that person that I like how I feel. I never go to the office hours of that professor I admire. I don't apply for that internship I dreamt of having since I was a little girl. These types of events have been occurring since I was 13. These aren't simply character defects, but rather what happens after years of bullying and feeling like an eternal misfit.
The only way to get over pain is to go through it. If you feel awful, it's probably because your body and mind want you to deal with it from the root up. Perhaps you can cajole yourself softly through motivational quotes or a playlist of bops. But sometimes you just have to yank those roots out and jump deep into your deepest, darkest fears. Whatever works for you. I don't know yet how to fix the voice in my head that makes it so hard for me to focus on the work that I desperately need to get done. But I've got to deal with it while I'm still young because my hopes and dreams are too large to squander away.