A few years ago, I had the opportunity to hear from a guest speaker at an MLK school assembly His name was Reggie Jones, a pro football player who won a Super Bowl with the New Orleans Saints. During his speech, Mr. Jones said, “only during the darkest times do you see the brightest of stars.” There have been times during my lifetime where I felt like I was at rock-bottom. However, those dark times of adversity and tribulation allowed me to find those silver lining stars in a time when I felt void inside.
I genuinely believe our relationships at home are the grassroots of the characteristics of a person; from other relations to performance in school, and one’s overall disposition. When I was in the 5th grade, my parents divorced. This came as a shock to me and still has a profound effect on me today. This major event in my childhood made me realize, sooner than I would have liked, that the world is not a perfect place and God has a different plan than what you may have anticipated. I recall the usual shouting quarrels behind closed doors while my sister and I sat in the living room, unable to do anything. At the time, I was convinced my parent’s divorce was because of me. I felt abandoned and empty inside and there was no one I could turn to for help. None of my friends were going through the same thing and my sister, two years older than me, seemed to be handling the situation far better than I was. Not talking to anybody about how I was feeling, I bottled up my emotions inside. I chose to show no emotion, I wanted others to believe I was effortlessly handling the divorce and it having no effect on me.
As time went on, I tricked myself into believing the same lie. On the outside, I felt no damage from the split in my family, but deep down it left holes that would never be sutured. Since that dark time in 5th grade, I have always had trouble with relationships. Every time I look into the eyes of my friends, I see abandonment and the inevitable corrosion of our friendship. My mind races whenever I hear the 3-word phrase, “I love you.” It takes me back to the phrase my parents told each other day in and day out, and I think of the eventual emptiness those words held. Truth be told, for all the tough things divorce knitted into the fabric of my family, I’m grateful for the life lessons it left with me such as becoming a more mature and independent person and seeing my mom and dad as people, not just parents that I placed on pedestals. Despite all the negatives which come with divorce, in the end, it made my personality and heart more resilient.
In late 2014 I was diagnosed with slight to moderate anxiety disorder and moderate to severe clinical depression. Depression and anxiety are really difficult conditions to understand and cope with, which makes it challenging for us to offer meaningful support if we have a friend or relative who is facing it, or if we face it ourselves. These disorders aren’t the same for everyone, and there is no “one size fits all” explanation I think of my depression as a shapeshifter because every day brings a new, difficult obstacle to overcome. This disorder affects every single aspect of your life, from relationships, to your self-esteem, to the simplest tasks like getting out of bed in the morning. When I first knew I had depression, I felt void inside. After a while I eventually forgot what it feels like to feel, leaving me unable to know how to respond to things happening every day.
Anxiety and depression form a combination that takes full control of your life. When I first faced these disorders, my performance in school dropped due to the lack of motivation to complete anything. I became removed from my friends, not allowing myself to spend time with them or even share what I was dealing with. Soon depression affected my sleep patterns. Some days I would come home and sleep for 4 hours, other nights I would stare at my ceiling at 2:30 in the morning with insomnia. I would try counting sheep but my mind only able to count the reasons to stay awake. I always despise the question, “are you afraid of dying?” With depression, it reminds me that I am afraid of living. I lived my life behind the façade that I couldn’t let people know what I was dealing with. In my goal to save face and keep my emotions hidden, I lost who I actually was.
I struggle to find the brightest of stars during this dark time. The only good I see from an otherwise terrible disorder is the ability to help people cope with their depression. I want people, that when others look okay and happy on the outside, it doesn’t mean they are fine on the inside. People have often told me, “I can’t believe you struggle with depression, you always seem so happy.” The truth is, I can’t believe I am dealing with it either. There are some people that have gone through or are going through the same things I have dealt with. Although you may feel lost and empty inside, the situations you face will only get better when chose to reveal your struggles and seek help.
To those who have witnessed the deterioration of their family, or struggle with depression or anxiety, know that when you are lost, you are not alone.
