It might seem silly to say that I did not experience true grief until ten years after my brother died. Of course I felt grief and sad when he died, but it did not actually hit and set in until this year.
October 17, 2005 the day that I will never forget. It was a normal Monday afternoon. Me, a happy ten year old with my seven year old sister playing at home while waiting for my mom to leave to class and my babysitter to come. Suddenly, a vehicle pulls up into our drive way and through the front door we see two United States Marine Corp men step out and walk to the door. At that point, my sister and I go to our room while my mom answers the door. While we were so young, I will never forget that I knew what happened and that I could hear my mom crying from outside. My brother was killed in action while fighting for our great country.
At that point, I felt like time stopped. I have no idea how long it was before my dad got back into town from work. It was a rush of our family friends who lived nearby show up and our out of town family rushing to our small 800 people population of a town. The next few days continued to be a mix of hundreds of people coming in and out of our house bringing food and offering to help. It was eye opening to see how many people cared for my family. The rest of the week was a blur before finally making it through the funeral and the burial service.
How was I supposed to grasp the true meaning of grief at ten years old. I knew my brother was gone and that I would never see him again or talk to him, but then now ten years later it truly hit me. As a twenty year old woman, the months leading up to October 2015 just felt heavy on my heart. I constantly kept finding things that my brother would never know I did. My brother would never know that I am a President's List scholar in college, that I am pursuing a degree to become a news anchor, that I even graduated high school.
At ten years old I did not think about the big picture of things. The fact that I would not have that role model to look up to. Grieving can be done at any stage in life and years can be harder than others when they pass. I thank God for the family and support system I have because they allow me to feel this grief and allow me to talk about it. While October 17, 2005 might have been the worst day of my life, the day allowed me to grow and learn that God does not throw things your way if you can not handle it. God has a plan and if the plan is to grieve right then, five years later, ten years later, or fifty years later it is all for a reason.
