The holidays are known for their joy, melodious songs, comfy blankets, fuzzy socks and smiles everywhere. Unless, of course, there is a stocking that cannot be hung this year, an empty place at the table, the echo of someone singing a Christmas carol until you realize that is only what it is. An echo. You rush to fulfill the holiday traditions with this person, until you realize you can't anymore. You can't, and you never will.
Singing in the Christmas cantata will remind you about how he loved to hear you sing. Lights and nativity scenes around you neighborhood will tell you how he spent 12 hours untangling lights and putting up 12 foot tall Christmas trees, The endless Christmas shopping will remind you of when you were little, when your mom would buy a Christmas gift for him and slap a "Love Kara" sticker on the wrapping paper.
You will wonder if he hears the cantata up there. You will wonder why the Christmas lights are not up, before realizing that they can't be. You look under the bed to see what book he has bought your mom this year. The laughter and traditions are one sided, the other side being little more than a ghost, an echo, a whisper of the man he once was.
You will think about the times he yelled at you with the scent of beer making your eyes water. You will remember the anger at Mom, at Quinn, at the world. You will remember the shakes in his hands and the slurring of his words. You will remember screaming matches, slamming doors, fear, anger, tears, the desire to leave, to go away, to make it all end. You will remember how you could've, should've said something, hidden the beer, told him that he needed to see you graduate, that he needed to stop before it was too late.
You will remember smiles. You will remember laughter. You will remember car rides, advice, long talks, your special song with him, the way you danced together, building the car that is still on the shelf, learning math, being frustrated, being loved. Even through all of the pain, the pain that will stay with you forever, the pain that can, will, and has changed your life forever, you will want him back. You will want him back, because you never wanted it to end like this.
Never like this.
