Pay attention in class and participate. Have a chipper attitude at work while managing your homework well and balancing a healthy diet and exercise with time for meaningful friendships and school involvement. Work hard at everything you do but don’t forget to play hard as well. It is important to have time to yourself but not too much or you are missing out on the best four years of your life.

This is the checklist that accompanies all college students day in and day out. The crisp check marks down the to-do list and a smile through the exhaustion are staples for college life. Well, this week I realized that this constant exhaustion and “fake it till you make it” attitude are just not going to work for me anymore.

I started the week out strong with a good workout, completed homework, perfect attendance in classes and all of my activities and still managed to have short conversations with my friends. I was killing it! But then, Friday hit me and I realized that I wasn’t really on top of my game. The slightest upset of my schedule could send my whole day into shambles because of my cookie-cutter “must work according to plan” schedule and life. My alarm didn’t go off. I missed a lesson. I wrote down the wrong time for a meeting. My car was stuck and I couldn’t get it to work for a while. I felt devastated. But through this frustration, I realized the ideals that living exhausted had placed in me. And they definitely were not good things.

I was beginning to define myself by my productivity and my checked off to-do list instead of by who I was as a person or my overall thoughts and feelings from the day. I had scheduled myself from morning to evening with activities, work, and classes that were all supposedly things I enjoyed. But at this point, each day had turned into going through the motions and praying that I would survive. And through my upset of a schedule, I asked myself what the point of it all was. Why does American society, especially in college, dictate that students must be completely booked, over-worked, and involved to be successful? One of the main questions I am asked by my peers every day is, “What did you do today”? How about how am I doing today? But most times I haven’t even thought about the state of my feelings because I am so overwhelmed by the state of my activities. So I appreciate the first question as it requires little thought or vulnerability.

But I don’t want to live this type of life anymore. I want to be present with people. I want to focus on my studies and my job because I am well-rested and interested, not just simply to survive them. I want to have deep and meaningful conversations with people because I have the energy and the time to do so. I don’t want to continue the small talk as we all race off to our next event.

I know that the “best four years of your life” seem to be defined by claiming exhaustion and having the most to say for what you did today. But, at least for me, I can’t continue being the “ideal and successful” college student any longer. I want to be a real person again.