I think we all realize that when we go off to college, we’re going to change whether we want to or not. We find interests we never thought we’d have, we meet friends from all over who become family, we grow up, and we settle into majors and career paths that are supposed to dictate the rest of our lives. What I’ve honestly found most interesting, though, is other people’s inability to accept our changes.
Starting college is a chance to begin fresh, surrounded by people we don’t know. You can completely reinvent yourself if need be, or grow from who you already are. It’s completely up to you, and it’s an incredibly freeing feeling. Nobody knows who you were for the first 18 years of your life.
For me, I had a slightly different start to this. I had decided way back in junior high that as soon as I graduated high school, I wanted to go by my middle name instead of my first. I knew that changing then would have been a mess because, being a small school, everyone already knew me by my first name, even if I didn't know them.
What I didn’t realize, though, was how much of a split this was going to cause later in my life.
When I chose to go by a different name, I chose to become a different and better person. I didn’t like who I used to be, and I saw college as an opportunity to change that. I’m no longer a quiet introvert who basically avoids everyone at all costs while simultaneously trying to fit society-created molds. Not everyone understands that, though, which has led to living a "double life."
Under my preferred name, I get to be who I want, which is who I actually am. I’m a bubbly coffee-addict who probably loves corgis a little too much. Even though I’m no longer in band or any singing groups, I absolutely love and miss performing more than anything. My music tastes for listening, though, has completely changed for the better (thank goodness for this one — seriously, what was I thinking.)
I’ve become the kind of person who will go to her friends’ doors for hugs because she misses people, even though she saw them like three hours ago and they live in the next room. Breaks are rough when we can't see each other for days on end.
My friends and I watch "Avatar: The Last Airbender" on Friday nights and play board games when most college students are going out to bars or having house parties. We speak in quotes from "Star Wars" memes and "Saturday Night Live" sketches when most people are more concerned with contestants on "The Bachelor."
At school, I feel the most at home I’ve ever felt in my life. While I still love and appreciate my friends I had growing up, we don’t have quite the same connection as I do with the friends I have and live with now.
They’ve been there through late nights of homework, every mental breakdown I’ve had about my major and future career, me trying to decide what article to write each week, ice cream parties, spontaneous adventures, movie nights, devastating hockey games, hug tours, all accomplishments whether big or small, deep conversations about anything and everything, Bible studies, looking at dog Instagram accounts, you name it — they’re there for it all.
Since college, I’ve fallen in love with writing for Odyssey when prior to this I groaned anytime someone told me I had to write anything. I go to guest-speaker lectures, not because I have to, but because I want to. I've chosen my own church. I’ve thrown myself into the world of fashion through strategic partnerships and marketing, and I’ve absolutely loved every minute spent planning our spring fashion show.
That’s who I am. Unfortunately, though, that’s not always enough for people, and it’s a problem I’ve especially noticed with small towns.
Where I’m from, people graduate together, their kids one day go to the same school, their grandkids later do too, and nobody ever leaves that town. I, however, dream of the city life and one day working in a huge corporate office. Small town life is great for some, but it isn’t for me. People don’t seem to change in these towns, and they assume that nobody else will either.
By deciding to go after what I love, I broke this mold, and not everyone is okay with that. To everyone back home, I’ll only ever be known by my first name and who I was then. I'll never get to be who I am now and who I want to be.
I’m happy with my life at school and who I’m becoming as I grow up, but every time I come home, I’m forced to revert back to someone I’m not because that’s all people think of me as. And I’m not happy being that girl again — it just makes me feel helpless and stuck in time.
When I consider this to be like living a double life, you may think it’s something fun, like in the spy movies, but it’s not fun — it’s not even close. It’s like a never-ending game of tug-of-war where you’re the centerpiece. Your old life pulls in one direction while your present and future pull in the other, and they each take turns pulling you closer to their side while calling you by different names.
I’m not asking people to forget everything from the first 18 years of my life, but I am asking that people will respect my choice. A name is a powerful thing, and this is what I've chosen. It's a simple change, yet it means a lot. I’m truly sorry if you aren’t okay with that, but this is me, and I am who I am.
Love,
Faith
