"Everything happens for a reason." This has been my life motto growing up. I wholeheartedly believe this statement. Yes, obstacles such as fate, motivation and effort play a role in everything you do. However, in the end, no matter the outcome, I always believe it was for a reason.

I never knew what the reasons were for why something happened. I'm a very curious person, so of course, I always wondered. I would play around with ideas, wonder "what if?" and eventually move on from it. There were only a few things that would stump me for a long time. And then, the worst news I've ever received became a reality.

You are born, you live and you die. That's an inevitable process we can't escape. I was terrified of dying for 21 years. Death became my phobia. I would randomly think about how one day, I would die. The pure thought of not being on this earth made me cry horrific tears.

I am no stranger to death. In 2007 I watched my maternal great-grandmother die after a couple weeks in the hospital. Just three months later, I watched my paternal grandmother pass in her nursing home room. And not even a month later, another maternal great-grandmother suddenly passed. Four months after the last death, our house burned down and my dog died. There have been deaths since then. I understand this is a process. I get it, they were old and they had lived long and wonderful lives.

The last few days of August, our fears had finally come true. My great-grandfather had been getting older, and I truly believe he was ready. He had made comments, saying he was tired. Out of nowhere, he took a turn for the worse within a day. Again, I understood why this was happening. It was happening for a reason. My great-grandfather was almost 90 and had lived a full life. In 2007, he lost both of my great-grandmothers: One was his ex-wife and the other his wife. The man suffered heartbreak for eight years. But they all happened for a reason.

Just over a month later, I began to brace myself, as his birthday would be coming up. I was very close with all of my grandparents, and always have been. My grandma was extremely close to her father, so I knew it was going to be a bad month. I just wasn't ready for November.

Let me tell you, I had no idea how much I wasn't ready. I remember exactly what I was doing, what I was thinking and how my body reacted. It was a Saturday and I was working at the bank. Two hours left in my shift with my supervisor, and it was a slow day. I received a text from a long-time friend who I didn't talk to very often, but was still close with. It was a screenshot that I never thought I would ever receive. That screenshot has changed my entire outlook on life.

I couldn't breathe. I couldn't stand. I ran to the bathroom, sobbing and looking at the ceiling, saying, "Please don't let this be true." Within the next two hours, I received several calls and texts. The one that hit me the most was my roommate. Things were rocky with us, but when she asked where I was, and that one of our friends needed me to call him as soon as I got off work, I knew. I replied, "Do you know?" She said,"Nate just wants you to call him."

A friend picked me up from work and took me to the spot he and I went one night. As we drove, I said over and over, "How is this possible? This isn't possible. I just talked to him. He isn't really..." We stopped at the spot and I thought to myself, for what seemed like years, "Why him? Why did this happen? How could this happen?"

The next week, I continued to wonder. The answer I had used my whole life, "Everything happens for a reason," was no longer applicable. There was no reason. There still is no reason. There's no reason a young, lively, hilarious, life-of-the-party, caring and beautiful person could be gone.

Losing him hurt more than I could ever put into words. I didn't go to work or school for a week. I stayed on our friend's couch, with the same Cubs blanket we had used before. Losing him still hurts. Losing my faith hurts just as much. I wasn't married to this man, and neither did I date him for years. But I lost my faith when he left. I lost the only answer I knew how to live by, "Everything happens for a reason." I can no longer figure out why anything happens. I cry nightly because I don't understand. I never knew it was possible to miss someone so much, but I also never knew it was possible to completely lose faith in something you've believed your entire life.

I grew up Catholic and always struggled with the Catholic religion. I had different views than they did, but I always believed God made everything happen for a reason. Someday, I hope to come to terms with this and believe again that God makes everything happen for a reason. I don't enjoy not believing, but I can't force myself to believe in something that I no longer think is real.

It's OK if you're lost or feel alone. It's OK to second guess yourself and wonder if what you believe is right or wrong in situations. But when you find out what it's like to truly lose something important (and let's be honest, we never admitted our importance. I found out through my grieving and friends of his), and you lose the "religious" part you have always reasoned with, you get thrown for a completely new loop.