Not everyone has a Smartphone nowadays, and frankly, it can suck when people assume that. There are a lot of things that Smartphone users accidentally do that make my Dumbphone inexplicably implode. So here's a list of differences that people like you can help change, for all of us Dumbphone users out there, written by a sarcastic angry bitch.


1. Yes, I'm Still Trapped in 2006.

Oh my god who can imagine someone who doesn't own a Smartphone? Wow it's like actually a lot more common than you think. As it turns out, phones that can only text and call are still useful in modern day society for things like texting and calling. Hope I don't blow your minds here.

2. "Wow, your phone still has actual buttons?"

Yes, you push a button on my phone and it makes the normal keyboard sound. Yes, I text really "loud" because of this. Yes, this prehistoric model of a communication device still works. Yes, I do like it. Fuck you.

3. Don't Expect Me To Receive Your Pictures Any Time Soon

A picture that you send me will probably take around 30 seconds to a minute to download, if I happen to be in an area with good service. And then the image will be extremely tiny, so if you want me to see details, I'll have to save the image to my phone and then manually zoom in closer to see. And then a year later I'll wonder what the hell these images are and why they're taking up space that pictures of my cats could be taking.

4. DO NOT PUT ME IN YOUR GROUP CHAT

FOR THE LOVE OF WHATEVER GOD YOU FOLLOW. I receive every single message individually as an image. This means that not only will I be unable to reply to any of the messages y'all are dishing out, but my phone is actually impossible to use from all the incoming messages. And if you get an idiot that puts me and 45 other people in the same group chat, literally my phone will be unable to recover and I'll have to remove the battery to put it out of its fucking misery.

5. No, I Don't Have Google, Email, Facebook, and Everything Else While I'm On The Go

No, I didn't see that email. No, I didn't see the post you tagged me in. But I did see the fucking sun and the fucking blue sky and how beautiful the fucking outside world is because I'm not addicted to technology.

Just kidding dude I've been on my computer all day.

6. Yes, I Will Steal Your Phone to Play Games

"Why?" you ask. Well, because touch screens are still an amazing technology to my primitive fingers. I find it extremely awesome to be able to tap a screen and shit will happen because of my fingertips. I love this fucking magic and I will for sure play Tetris or Sudoku or whatever you have on your phone because I like to feel like a fucking wizard.

7. IF YOU PULL OUT YOUR PHONE DURING OUR VERBAL CONVERSATION I WILL PULL OUT MY FIST AND PUNCH YOU IN THE GUT

Sorry that my presence is not as interesting as the puppy videos on your Facebook. But nothing is more insulting than having your conversation turn to the phone screens. Bitch, I will force you to tell me about how fucking boring your day was if it kills your phone because I will kill your phone.

8. BTW My Prehistoric Phone Battery Lasts For Fucking Weeks

Just wanted to throw that out there. There isn't much to brag about this lil guy but damn does that battery do wonders for my schedule.

9. I'll Upgrade As Soon As Everyone Who Tells Me To Upgrade Gives Me $100 For The Monthly Bill

Having a Smartphone isn't as necessary as food, water, and oxygen. And that shit is EXPENSIVE. Of course I want to jump on the bandwagon, but when it comes down to it, right now upgrading isn't worth it. I mean unless you guys wanna dish out as much money as it costs to upgrade, but before that happens, I'll stick to my Dumbphone, thank you very much.