I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 15. I remember it very clearly. I was in the room with the first psychologist I had ever met. I was afraid to speak for I was always told that we kept those emotions within us, hidden from others.

I always knew that there was something amiss. I would never be happy, any happiness was temporary. Some days were more difficult than others. Imminent death sounded better than getting up. Interacting with others didn’t help. Nothing did.

For the majority part of my life, I feel like these emotions were disregarded. I was told it was normal and I needed to get over it. Until I was 15, there was no need or opportunity for me to speak out.

Before that though, I struggled a lot. I still struggle even with the diagnosis and treatment. I cry, I’m insecure, I’m easily irritable, I’m angry and I’m reclusive. All defensive mechanisms used to protect myself from anyone ever knowing that I’m plagued by this mental illness.

I am a contradiction. On one end, I love making friends and speaking to new people. I want to meet others and help them. Be there for them. On the other, I worry that I come on too strong, I’m too fat, I’m too clingy, I’m too invested. This keeps me from speaking to people... and the very prominent fear I feel when speaking to someone I don’t already know.

That’s why I turned to the internet. It was a lot easier for me and gave me a little more confidence.

This changed the way that I valued and held relationships. I was closer to people that were miles away from me, than to those that were close to me. I spent more time buried in my phone than experiencing things around me. I believe that it became even harder for me to have conversations with people I saw every day.

My family was never aware of it until recently. I desperately tried to hide it and avoid addressing to it. It made my relationship with them very rocky because they thought it was a rebellious phase but I was dealing with something much deeper. However, there was no way that I could explain it to them without being shamed or feeling like they would think it was a joke. As I got older what I said became more credible so I was able to seek help. Even so, I struggle to tell them what I feel and what I think.

When I met my friends, I found it hard to get close to them. I didn’t know how to speak to them because I thought I would simply embarrass myself. Even now, after ten years of friendship, I am scared that they don’t actually care about me. I am nervous that they are keeping me around out of pity.

I started dating my boyfriend a couple months ago, I think he experiences the most of my mental illness.

I start arguments because I want to push him away from me and be prepared for the worst. I constantly think about how he wastes his time dating me because there are definitely girls that would be better for him. Girls that would completely trust him and completely believe in the relationship. Girls that are prettier, smarter, sexier, and more talented than I could ever be.

It is hard for both of us to deal with the periods that I am insecure and sad constantly. I’m not the person he knows but someone who is bitter and quiet.

In general, I think depression and anxiety definitely prevent me from speaking my truth. From making more friends and being the person I want to be. I can’t wear the clothes I really want to, explore fashion and make up the way I want to. Get close to the people I love. It makes everything so much harder.

It can be hard for those who don’t have this to understand and put pressure on that specific relationship.

If you believe you may have depression and anxiety, if you are not diagnosed, please go see someone and get the help you may need. It is very important that you properly take care of your mental health. Your happiness should be your number one priority. Don’t take it lightly.

If you have been diagnosed, my heart and positive vibes go out to you because I can relate to your struggle. Know that the people around you love and value you. I am proud of you for having the strength to take on the day.

If you have been affected by depression and anxiety in any way, thank you for taking it seriously and for being helpful to those around you.

Mental illness is not a joke, it’s not easy and it’s gravely underrepresented and romanticized when it is spoken about.

Be conscious. Be safe. Be happy.