“don’t you dare
shrink yourself
for someone else’s comfort -
do not become small
for people who refuse to grow.”
This year's National Eating Disorder Awareness (NEDA) Week is February 26 - March 4.
Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness in our world today. Specific to Anorexia, the mortality rate is twelve times higher than the death rate of every other cause of death in females ages 15-24. With these shocking statistics, I have one question: Why aren’t we talking about this?
“There is no cure for it. At best, an anorexic lives with it.” The doctor’s office fell silent for a few moments, and then my mom burst into tears. My doctor began to explain to my mom how dangerous my condition was. They went on about different treatment plans and steps we needed to take immediately so that my recovery went as smooth as possible. At only fifteen years old, I didn’t know what this diagnosis meant for my future, but I knew that from this moment on, I had to be willing to fight.
I began to picture myself as the mother of a little girl. How would I treat her, feed her, and love her? How would I nurture her if I was the mother of little me? I would protect her while giving her the space to grow her own wings. She would get healthy food, naps, and time for adventures within her creative and wild imagination. If playground antagonists hurt her, I would hold her hand and together, take a step back to give her perspective. When meltdowns or tantrums turned into a demon, I would insist on a much needed time out. From that day forward, I used this same comparison and applied it to my teenage self.
I slowly began to make amends with my body and I discovered a lot about myself along the way. I learned that where you came from is not all that important; it is who you are and the choices you make that determine who you will become. We all have moments where we ask ourselves “Am I really worth loving?” and the answer must always be yes, even if we do not feel it.
Recovery is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to deal with it. It is living life. It is having fulfilling relationships. It is balance, variety, and moderation. It is doing my OWN thing, because that’s what feels right. It is being free enough to be spontaneous. It is wearing whatever I want on any given day. It is laughing. It is picking out a restaurant in two minutes instead of twenty, and not having to look up the menu first. It is having memories of the city, people, and culture, not the bathroom walls at every gas station. It is having enough space in my brain to think for myself and the ability to create my own path in life. It is freedom. It is beautiful.
My struggle pulled me deeper than I thought I could ever go, but my lungs still inhaled and then exhaled because they knew I would survive. Choosing recovery and sticking with that decision took so much more strength and willpower than the ability to survive on x amount of calories a day ever did. Now I measure how well I can listen to my body rather than how well I can control it. My body wasn’t meant to be starved, deprived, and damaged. It was meant to be nourished and loved. Now I am consumed with happiness and confidence. I admire the person I’ve become, because I fought hard to become her.
I don’t know how to end this because my thoughts are never ending, but it just feels so unbelievable now that I eat when I’m hungry and not because I am being forced to… and that might not be much, but sometimes at 7:30am with my bowl in the dishwasher, I feel like the champion of the world.
If you or anyone you know is at risk of an eating disorder, speak up, reach out, get educated. There is hope in a better tomorrow.
Call NEDA’s toll free, confidential Helpline at 1-800-931-2237
For crisis situations, text "NEDA" to 741741 to connect with a trained volunteer
