I've had anxiety ever since I was young enough to talk; I remember obsessing over the way my legos did not line up with each other perfectly. Here's a small outlook on how anxiety has affected my life in a college campus.
1. Every place is a new opportunity to start a conversation (which sucks for me).
It's hard enough to start a conversation for me, let alone keep it. In my dorm, we're all pretty close, and a lot of people hang out in the lounge together until late at night. I sit in the lounge to study a lot, and when someone else I know comes in, I immediately begin to feel uncomfortable. Now, it's no one's fault but my own, because my anxiety creates this kind of unnecessary problem in which I cannot seem to keep my calm around people who are not my family.
2. All of the different personalities around me make me look pretty bland.
Now, I love the people at my school and in my dorm. But being around a literal sea of personalities, a quiet, bookish girl like me sometimes rethinks herself over and over again. I tried so hard to fit in the first two or three weeks of school, because I felt that being who I really was was going to cost me the new friends I'd made. My anxiety whispered in my ear, things like "stop talking about how many books you read, no one cares" or "drink even though you hate alcohol so they think you're cool", bringing me to the brink of exhaustion every night. I later learned that people don't like a fake person, so I eventually went back to my old self.
3. Anxiety attacks are even worse to conceal.
People usually know of the ragged breathing, palms sweaty, tears streaming down your face panic attacks, but what some don't know is that anxiety attacks themselves can last for hours on end. Mine start in the morning, over something so minor such as spilling water or a new pimple, and can last well into the night. I appear much more moody, and even the smallest thing said can upset me. I start to disappear into myself, and it gets harder to smile and to focus on being happy.
4. Sometimes, I firmly believe that no one likes me.
It's really annoying, I know, but I honestly can't help it. My anxiety plummets my self confidence to the lowest of the low, and I fight and claw myself to a human level of happiness every morning. I genuinely feel as though people don't want to talk to me, so I push myself away and hide in my room. The thought of someone not liking me freaks me out so much, because I'm worried that if one person doesn't like me, no one will.
5. I'm ridiculously hard on myself.
Whether it's getting a B instead of an A on a project, accidentally saying the wrong thing, or not paying attention to my actions, every detail of my life pounds around in my head. I'm not one to pick up on social cues, and sometimes I don't know that I'm hurting someone until it's already done. But living with the mistakes I make is the biggest struggle I know. I wake up crying because the anxiety whispers "you're a terrible person" and makes my dreams turn into nightmares. It becomes difficult to function when someone makes a statement that creates tension; I am an aggressive person, and I like confrontation, but I get so wrapped up in my own head that I can't recognize that everyone makes mistakes.
It's always an uphill climb to live with anxiety; you can't just be free-willing and laugh or cry whenever everyone else does. My brain is consistently filled with "what ifs" and "should this be the way it is" and "why did they just look at me like that". So many questions that make me want to cover my ears and walk away from the world, but I get up every morning anyway. Some days are harder than others. Some days I can't speak to anyone. Some days it's almost impossible to go to class. Some days all I want to do is see my mom. I'm sorry for all of the panic and unsolved distance I've put between me and the people I care about, but I just can't help it.
And I hope you all in spite of that.
