I've already talked about Adam and Eve, but they seem to be making a reappearance in my life. One day, I don't know what I was thinking of or what I was doing as usual in retrospect, but I do know that once again I was faced with another situation where I had to either go with my judgment or God's. It seems like it happens everyday, when God's judgment comes a little too slow or is a little too uncertain for me, as though taking advice from an omniscient being can be more uncertain than taking my word. No matter what this restlessness, this feeling of anxiety kept coming back no matter how many times I try and get rid of it, either running rampant or lingering beneath the surface...and I thought of the Garden. There was no Adam. Just Eve—in her most iconic moment: the fruit in one hand and the serpent on the other, and I realized that Eve could understand my apprehension to trust God.

That's what anxiety is like isn't it? It starts with a choice: trust in God's promises, that even I am scared or uncertain or whatever I am, that God has a plan, that He's always watching over me and working for my future, even I can't always see the details. But as always, I freak out and ask the dreaded question: WHAT IF? The same question the serpent asked Eve when she tried to stand firm in her resolve. What if he has something different in store for me than I have for myself? The same thought Eve had when the serpent poked holes in her faith. Because for me, my idea for myself is to succeed. I'm currently majoring in Mass Media with an interest in Cinema, and I want to be recognized and revered for my work, the way Steven Spielberg is for his. I want to be validated for my creativity. I want stir admiration in others. I want to be one of the greats. But in the words of Mother Teresa:

"God didn't call me to be successful. He called me to be faithful."

I'm sorry to say that what I mostly talk about with God is whatever project I'm doing that I want to do stellar on. I felt He was my best chance of success, that with Him I could achieve my dream...but not His. It's not that God wants me to fail; in fact, I'm becoming more and more convinced of his bestowment of filmmaking skills on me. This is about growing in faith and unfortunately, growth often requires trying times, so that I may learn to rely on him. Suffering is supposed to make us better people, but I don't want to suffer. I don't even want to fail. Feeling important and strong and worth it is unfortunately still very tied to whether or not I succeed and since I'm not convinced that God and I are on the same page about that...I eat it. I eat the forbidden fruit.

I know God is good and faithful, all-knowing and all-powerful. I know what God has told me, that I am loved, that I am blessed, that I am forgiven and so many times, that voice comes, shrieking loud as a banshee, rising like a way, pushing the fruit closer to my lips. I panic. I don't care what God has told me. I am afraid and I bite the fruit. I say if something goes wrong, if something goes right, I will deal with it. Then, as the task goes on and the day rolls around, I am pleasantly surprised when something magical happens. So magical, it releases all my fears, burning them away to leave only peace and contentment. I exhale and laugh in relief. "Phew! Everything turned out great after all, God" I think. "You were working this all along." And that thought, while happy, brings guilt. I was unfaithful.

Eve understands, doesn't she? The doubt there is any room for that question in Christianity; the "WHAT IF..." Everything the Bible tells us hinges on our belief that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, born of the Virgin Mary and crucified on the cross for the sins of the world; who rose up on the third day and defeated death and the cage and chains of sin and separation. Fully mortal, fully God and our Lord and Savior. We are to Love the Lord our God with all our heart and with all our soul and with all our strength and with all our mind. There is no room for doubt in that.

Eve understands this part of my life. She could actually understand any situation of anxiety toward God, where we're afraid that God is denying us something we desperately want. And sometimes, the things we want aren't outlandish at all. We all want to make our mark on the world. We all want to matter. It's just not healthy for me to measure that through the world's eyes.