Dear Papa,

There are days where I can't go a moment without thinking about you, others where I swear I can see you in the corner of my eye and others where something will trigger a memory of us. There definitely isn't a day that goes by where I don't regret not having spent more time with you; definitely not a single moment that I don't regret not speaking at your service. Here is the eulogy that I wanted to write and never had the courage to say:

I think one doesn't truly know the impact a person has on them until they die and then one day every aspect of their life, every person they have ever touched finally converges in one room. Then it's all there, every part of their life all on the table, even the parts you had no clue of. That's what I saw that day of your funeral. Of the over 300 people who squished in that room, I saw parts of you in each of their eyes--each a puzzle piece of your life, finally being put together to tell your story.

I saw each person step up one by one, one speaking of your humor, another your generosity and kindness. You were the whole package Papa, but your modesty held you back and made you keep parts of your package wrapped. I didn't get to hear about all the things you did for complete strangers, how you helped out at so many charities. I especially loved your kindness towards me and my brother--we were your step-grandchildren but I never thought of us that way and neither did you. You treated us equally and were so proud of us in everything we did. That's what I loved most about you: your consistency, equality in loving things. You loved and helped without judgement and gave your all. That's my puzzle piece I would share.

I had so much to say that day and at the same time, nothing at all. The absurdity of it all is I didn't think you were gone, just on a long trip. I kept thinking for months after that you'd show up and that you were gone fishing or on a trip to the beach. Then Thanksgiving arrived, then Christmas followed, each more empty than the last and I think that is when it all came into perspective. Though I don't believe you are really gone--perhaps you are just waiting for the one day when we will be able to walk again hand in hand in a different land. Maybe we never really leave this earth for good. I think you live all around me in my cousins, in my father, in my aunts, but I see the most in my grandmother's eyes. That is where I see you all the time. I see you when she cries, especially in her laugh but the most when she smiles. When she smiles I know that you are still here, I know you are watching and I know there is still hope.