The end is so close; I can taste it, smell it, see it, feel it and above all need it. By the time this is being read, I will be enjoying freedom in every aspect of my life. No waking up at a certain time, no commuting for various hours, no schoolwork due in a couple of days, no professors breathing down my back on thesis and paperwork. No, I will either be asleep until noon, or perhaps going on a crazy drinking binge with all my buddies from home bouncing from one place to another as we cheer on the year ending. While I write this I am still confined to Muscat, the name given to the cubicle us interns occupy on the 10^th floor of the Oliver St Tower, still being considered an IT Intern at Cambridge Associates. It is hard to say how I feel as the final hours of my internship continue to count down to zero tomorrow after our second holiday party. Mostly I feel impatience, for I have yet to present a working prototype for my thesis, still need to get a final version of my write up, and there are still numerous things I must do before I can pack everything up and enjoy break after this upcoming Friday.

It has been quite the weird semester being a senior. I recall past friends that were seniors, and their attitude towards life seemed a bit off, and I really didn’t get why everyone looked like they were losing their minds or just did not care at all if a meteor were to break through our atmosphere and crash right on top of their heads. Now that the baton has been passed down to us seniors for this academic year, I must say I have beckoned a meteor one or two times in the past couple of months. Not only has switch my entire schedule around to fit my internship been a bit of a shock to my system, but having to juggle thesis as well has proven to be a task hard to forget. I can only imagine what lies ahead of break when I actually have to start producing a working thesis to hopefully get a good grade in and not shit on four years of work.

Waking up at five in the morning to walk to a bus that then takes me to the train, which then I have to walk from to the office until 8am is quite the journey to have before the sun ever shows it’s face. The cold weather just beats you down, because I’d rather do a fifteen minute walk than wait for the subway only to maybe miss it because people are assholes when it comes to getting onto a cart, or simply be cooking because it’s too damn hot in a giant coat surrounded by hundreds of people all packed in like sardines. Warmer weather was a lot more tolerable, and I wouldn’t feel as bad for not being able to make it to the gym because I would bike from the school to the train and back when I would return for dinner. Not only is it considerably colder now, but there is no sun at five in the afternoon, so biking is a no go.

Internship messed up my gym routine, my eating routine, and my showering routine. I was just too tired for everything. Going out with friends? Too tired. Doing homework or thesis after internship? Too tired. Go to the gym and have a good session? Too tired, better make it a short workout. Have to cook all your lunches in advance to reduce cost? Too tired. Even silly things like playing video games! I would just rather crawl into bed and attempt to get as much rest before having to get up at the crack of dawn, because if I missed the van, then everything else crumbles down. Motivation certainly had its times where it was just not there, but having a paid internship really works some wonders on just how bad you want to make it there to make some dough.

Internship was tough. I never saw myself working in an office environment, and choosing Computer Science as a major was largely because of its promises of not having to dress up, tuck anything, tie a tie, nothing at all… Well that went out the window once they said it was paid, so there I am working in an office in the financial district. Bombarded with tasks, lingo I do not comprehend, and interns that are actually doing better than you at being able to produce something really puts a dent in your confidence. I start questioning my major, my capabilities. I fear for unemployment, for settling for a crappy job just to get by. Deep down I feel like I have somehow wasted the four years at school if I do not feel like I could provide for myself all alone in the world.

Stressed, doubting myself, and pretty much filling myself with comfort food, self-confidence definitely went down this semester. Now I type this on my last day here as an IT Intern, and even though it has made me feel like absolute trash for a good two months straight, having two holiday parties really shows me some hope. Sure it might be childish, but when your company invites you to a holiday party, with an open bar, endless sushi, and a room dedicated to desserts only, it definitely put the bad times behind me. Sure it can be hell sometimes, but there are ways to work around it. As they were evaluating me two days ago on how I did, even though they did not offer me a job for after graduation, they still instilled in me a lot of knowledge about the world.

People are incredibly diverse, and what you will encounter will shock you. People that piss you off, people that you feel bad for, people that you respect, people that you admire, all in all, just people getting through life. I envy those who are older than I, because I feel like they made it. Maybe not as they wanted or dreamed, but they made it somewhere they can be happy. They can get angry about work, or excited about a trip they will take. They are able to converse with people that share goals and struggles as anyone who is trying to be OK in life. I told this to my mentor, on how I fear not knowing what will happen. I told her how I felt incredibly grateful for them allowing me to be an intern here, even though I wasn’t a boy wonder or anything. It still showed me what places are like, and she gave me some very good advice. She told me how she doesn’t see me in a business setting but somewhere more creative. She has given me some hope in that achieving what you want is hard, but possible, and that above all, happiness is key. I think that is what I have taken most out of this experience, the fact that no matter how shitty it gets, if at the end of the day you are happy, then money or possessions won’t matter.

I am still scared, I won’t lie. I am incredibly afraid that I will not be up to par with anyone else, and that the bar has been set too high for me. Then I take a breath and realize that it is OK to not know, and that I have time. I also realize how I have to take advantage of it as well. I can enjoy myself still, I can go and be curious and explore the world, as much as I want to. I could have had it worse, for all I know I could've been an intern treated like the guys from The Office. There is still much to experience and learn, so my grand life advice probably has no actual applicability. Especially coming from a twenty two year old who should be working on thesis and is instead writing this and thinking of the free pizza there is later as our goodbye / holiday party with everyone here, but hey, that’s life. ~ ad astra ultraque