I've Had Enough Of, "Enough Is Enough"

I've Had Enough Of, "Enough Is Enough"

I go to school and for that reason, I am scared.

February 14th is a day that should be associated with love. Whether it be romantic love, platonic love, or familial love, Valentine's Day should be a day that only brings up thoughts of chocolate boxes, sappy instagram posts and overpriced cards.

February 14th should not be a day where 17 families have their entire worlds fall irreparably apart. It should be a day that is associated with red because it is the color of hearts, not because it is the color of blood.

The tragedy that hit Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School is yet another tick on a list that was too long from the day that it started. And frankly, we are tired. We are beyond tired.

How many times do we have to say "enough is enough," before enough is actually enough.

We are living in the age of terror. And "terror" means more than just terrorism - we are literally living in an age of terror. Where nightclubs, concerts, movies aren't safe. Where parents are terrified to send their kids to SCHOOL, of all places.

Where I have to watch my 13-year-old sister's eyes well up with tears as she says that she is, "at least safe until next year, because someone would probably shoot a high school before they shoot a middle school."

This is so far past unacceptable it is actually hard to fathom. It is hard to fathom the fact that 17 innocent lives were lost simply because they went to school. It is hard to fathom the fact that we have to listen to the children in Parkland advocate for bulletproof windows in classrooms.

Because, somehow, now the words bulletproof and classroom are spoken about in the same sentence. It is so far past an atrocity, so cruel, so magnificently painful that I do not know if there is even a word to describe it.

I cannot begin to relate to the pain that those directly affected by this tragedy feel. And I will not pretend to.

But what I will say is that I should not have to look into my little sister's eyes and see real fear at the prospect of going to school.

What I will say is that I should not be afraid at the thought that she still has 4 years of high school to attend - 4 years of which, if nothing changes, I cannot guarantee she will survive.

My hometown is very much a bubble: it is the type of town that is as safe as they come. It is the type of town where we talk through the entirety of a lockdown drill, because the thought that it will ever need to be applied for real does not even cross our minds. It is the type of town that is exactly like Parkland.

"As safe as they come" is clearly not that safe at all.

I am not going to pretend that I have a vast amount of knowledge about politics because I do not. And I am not going to pretend that I am the authority on gun control because I am not.

But what I am is a human - I have eyes, I have ears, and more importantly, I have a heart. And you do not need to be a politician to recognize that we NEED change, you simply need to be a human.

Because regardless of your political affiliations, this is apocalyptic.

Children cannot be sent to school with a book bag and return in a body bag.

And we cannot keep sending "thoughts and prayers" when what we really need is change. I hope with everything that I have in me that this time enough is really enough.

That no one else needs to die before policies are changed and the existence of children becomes more important than the existence of the second amendment in a constitution. A constitution that, mind you, included a compromise that declared people of color to count as 3/5 of a person.

Nowhere is off limits. No one is safe.

We must make changes and we must make them now.

Because it is too much to bear.

It is too much.

Cover Image Credit: Google

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To The Person Who Feels Suicidal But Doesn't Want To Die

Suicidal thoughts are not black and white.

Everyone assumes that if you have suicidal thoughts that means you want to die.

Suicidal thoughts are thought of in such black and white terms. Either you have suicidal thoughts and you want to die, or you don't have suicidal thoughts and you want to live. What most people don't understand is there are some stuck in the gray area of those two statements, I for one am one of them.

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was a kid.

My first recollection of it was when I came home after school one day and got in trouble; and while I was just sitting in the dining room I kept thinking, “I wonder what it would be like to take a knife from the kitchen and just shove it into my stomach." I didn't want to die, or even hurt myself for that matter. But those thoughts haven't stopped since.

I've thought about going into the bathroom and taking every single pill I could find and just drifting to sleep and never waking back up, I've thought about hurting myself to take the pain away, just a few days ago on my way to work I thought about driving my car straight into a tree. But I didn't. Why? Because even though that urge was so strong, I didn't want to die. I still don't, I don't want my life to end.

I don't think I've ever told anyone about these feelings. I don't want others to worry because the first thing anyone thinks when you tell them you have thoughts about hurting or killing yourself is that you're absolutely going to do it and they begin to panic. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts, but I don't want to die.

It's a confusing feeling, it's a scary feeling.

When the depression takes over you feel like you aren't in control. It's like you're drowning.

Every bad memory, every single thing that hurt you, every bad thing you've ever done comes back and grabs you by the ankle and drags you back under the water just as you're about the reach the surface. It's suffocating and not being able to do anything about it.

The hardest part is you never know when these thoughts are going to come. Some days you're just so happy and can't believe how good your life is, and the very next day you could be alone in a dark room unable to see because of the tears welling up in your eyes and thinking you'd be better off dead. You feel alone, you feel like a burden to everyone around you, you feel like the world would be better off without you. I wish it was something I could just turn off but I can't, no matter how hard I try.

These feelings come in waves.

It feels like you're swimming and the sun is shining and you're having a great time, until a wave comes and sucks you under into the darkness of the water. No matter how hard you try to reach the surface again a new wave comes and hits you back under again, and again, and again.

And then it just stops.

But you never know when the next wave is going to come. You never know when you're going to be sucked back under.

I always wondered if I was the only one like this.

It didn't make any sense to me, how did I think about suicide so often but not want to die? But I was thinking about it in black and white, I thought I wasn't allowed to have those feelings since I wasn't going to act on them. But then I read articles much like this one and I realized I'm not the only one. Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, and my feelings are valid.

To everyone who feels this way, you aren't alone.

I thought I was for the longest time, I thought I was the only one who felt this way and I didn't understand how I could feel this way. But please, I implore you to talk to someone, anyone, about the way you're feeling; whether it be a family member, significant other, a friend, a therapist.

My biggest mistake all these years was never telling anyone how I feel in fear that they would either brush me off because “who could be suicidal but not want to die," or panic and try to commit me to a hospital or something. Writing this article has been the greatest feeling of relief I've felt in a long time, talking about it helps. I know it's scary to tell people how you're feeling, but you're not alone and you don't have to go through this alone.

Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, your feelings are valid, and there are people here for you, you are not alone.

If you're thinking about hurting yourself please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit suicidepreventionhotline.org to live chat with someone. Help it out there and you are not alone.

Cover Image Credit: BengaliClicker

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4 Ways Clutter Is Negatively Affecting Your Health

Clutter affects your physical, emotional, and psychological health.


If you're aware that your cluttered space is causing you stress and discomfort, it might be helpful to understand how and why clutter affects our health. When we clear our space we are more likely to feel at ease, relaxed, and tranquil. There is no better time to freshen your space than at the start of the new year when we are already setting new intentions and re-assessing goals and putting new ideas into motion.

1. Clutter produces dust and exacerbates allergies


Have you ever gone through your closet or bookshelf, only to see the visible layers of dust and dirt that were hidden behind your items? Clutter gives dust and other environmental fibers a place to accumulate. If you find yourself sneezing, coughing, or tired and fatigued in your space, it might be time to de-clutter - your itchy eyes will thank you!

2. Lack of organization in your belongings leads to stress and anxiety


I know I'm not the only one who has had the experience of needing an item before running out the door, only to realize it wasn't where you left it...and now you need to tear apart your entire room looking for it. Sound familiar? Having too much clutter leads to a disorganized space that provokes anxiety and stress and can have a strong, negative impact on your day to day life. Whoever came up with, "a place for everything and everything in its place" was definitely onto something.

3. Clutter puts your nervous system in overdrive


Cluttered environments are taxing on the nervous system. The sensory overload prevents us from being able to relax and rest, and keeps us activated in our sympathetic nervous system, AKA "fight or flight". This means we're more likely to be on edge and hyper-aware than calm and relax when at home.

4. Living in a cluttered space impacts your mood and self-esteem


Our brains thrive off of order and organization. When things are disordered and chaotic around us, it's natural to feel irritable and frustrated in response, lowering mood and reducing our self-esteem and self-worth. Rather than thinking about the things you want to get rid of when de-cluttering, focus on what things you want to keep and what you want to have in your immediate environment.

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