Ten years! This is how long it's been since I've spoken of an unnecessary, traumatic, selfish, disgusting, violating incident that affected me more than I've been able to admit to myself. This is also how long it's been since it occurred. I have kept silent since the day after it happened. This was not done on purpose, and as I look back, I feel guilt for not advocating for other survivors, and preventing my assailant from doing the same to others. Everyone has different ways of coping, and suppressing because of subconscious fear and stigma surrounding rape victims and survivors is uglier than one would think.
Despite what some may assume, I did NOT ask for what happened to me. I was with two people I knew, and another person who was a friend of an acquaintance. I kept mostly to myself, played on my phone, and came off timid. Once my friend had decided to have a drink, I had one as well - made by her boyfriend whom I foolishly trusted. I had drank previously, on occasion, so I knew my threshold. I drank less than half a glass of my drink, then things began to go downhill very quickly. Regardless of how many times I went unconscious, and regardless of any of the blurry memories I have, I DO remember the things I said: "No"..."Please stop"..."Youre hurting me"..."What is happening?"...
That whole night felt like it lasted forever, like a nightmare I couldn't wake up from. All I wanted to do was go home. I knew something was wrong during and after, but I was so blurry and incoherent that I hadn't understood the magnitude of the situation until I woke at home the next morning.
I was raped. I was violated. I was robbed of my own body. The evidence of physical harm was loud and clear - bruises of his hands imprinted my wrists and chest.
When I woke to this realization - that I was not dreaming - I felt panic. All I could think to do was cry. I didn't know the correct action to take (call the police, right? If only it were that simple at the time). My parents only knew what I told them, which wasn't much, and at that point I went to see my doctor. Tests were run to find traces of DNA and any foreign substance that may have been put in my drink. Nothing came back, not even the alcohol I consumed was enough to be traced. All I had was external evidence painted on my body. My doctor then told me the only way to really pursue this was to get this person's name, at the very least. I knew two things about this person, his first name and the state he lived in. The only connection I had to this person was his friend, who had made my drink, and appeared to have played a role in my attack.
I felt stuck at a dead end - ashamed to even think about explaining my story over and over. I was worried about losing friends, about what my family would think of me when they looked at me, about being looked at as a rape victim rather than a person. I could barely process the occurrence, how was I going to relive the trauma over and over by chasing after a ghost. I felt like this would only slander by name and character. I understand how crazy this may sound, and it pains me to say, but it is the truth.
I stray from thinking about that Halloween night, as much as possible, but more often than not, broken memories creep into my mind when I least expect it. I have suppressed so much for so long, I can't even remember his face. But, what I do remember will haunt my memories forever. In light of the Stanford University case, and the letter the survivor wrote to Brock Turner, I have felt an a long time coming inspiration to do my part in speaking out. Following the news, I watched the documentary,The Hunting Ground, which documents cases of campus rape in our country. I was appalled by what I learned regarding how the process of reporting the rape was more gruesome than the actual rape itself.
Since when are victims to blame for something so brutal? The comments I have encountered recently make me question humanity: "Well you shouldn't have put yourself in that situation"..."You were probably asking for it"..."What were you wearing"..."Now you know to never let someone else make your drink"...."Was it really rape?" Let me tell you something, if a person says no, it is rape. If a person is sleeping and has no idea what it going on, it is rape. If you just met a person and they are drunk or not in a mental space to provide true consent, it is rape. If you have to use aggression, it is rape. If it is a pre-meditated action, chances are, it is rape. Face it, the number of actual rape victims and survivors far outweigh false reports. Stop protecting the monsters and stand united in the fight to end this overwhelming epidemic.
If I could take back my silence, I would do it in a heartbeat. I would take the pain away from any person who has ever experienced this, just so no one else ever had to feel the burden of the internal consequences that stay with us for the rest of our lives. Don't make the same mistake I made, speak out. Take a stand. Find a support group to help you through this if friends and family are not an option. Talk to other rape survivors and band together to advocate. Do not feel ashamed, or guilty, or disgusted with yourself. Do not fear what others may think or say. If you are reading this, you are not alone - you are alive, and together we can honor those who did not make it. Scream, let your voices be heard, and let's end victim blaming once and for all.
If you are a victim of campus rape, please visit EROC.
Visit The Survivors Trust for resources, help, support and advice if you need a place to turn to.
