As they say, all good things must come to an end; summer is no different. As we reminisce about our summer flings, our time in the sun, and our sunburns-- whoops, I mean tans-- let us look as some end-of-the-summer advice that is very relevant. Also, I apologize for being absent from this advice column for two weeks. The #freshcontent gods were calling my name, and I was compelled to write something else. Sorry/not sorry.
Amanda,
I have a queen sized bed at home, but my dad won't let me bring it to school this year. Instead I'll be stuck with a twin size again. How do I convince him to let me bring it?
Spread Out Sleeper, University of Pittsburgh
This might take some elaborate planning, but I believe that you can achieve your dreams and bring your queen sized mattress to school. First, you're going to have to convince your dad that, yes, it's totally fine to have a twin-sized bed. Let him bring said twin-sized bed to school. Then, promptly burn the twin-sized bed. However, you won't be bedless for too long, because you already brought your queen-sized bed IN SECRET when you came to school by renting a UHaul IN SECRET and set it up in your basement IN SECRET. Then, when your dad visits and is like "Um, where did you tiny bed go?" you can reply about the freak bed-burning accident and how you foresaw it in a vision and brought your queen bed to college. He'll totally believe you.
Amanda,
I've been working all summer and I haven't had a chance to relax at all. I would like to ask off of work to take some time to myself, but they won't let me. How can I get out of work?
Need a Break, Millersville University
This problems has an easy solution. First, you need to start acting erratically at your job, like you have some sort of disease. Then, fake your own death that supports your erratic behavior. Your employer will be like "OMG WE NEVER SAW THIS COMING" and then will definitely not look into the matter at all. Then, you'll finally have enough time for a vacation because everyone will think you're dead. Just make sure to change your identity and not post to Facebook so you can keep up the ruse.
Amanda,
I've grown really close to this boy, and I'm leaving soon for school. I really like him, but I'm going to school far away; I know we won't have time for a long distance relationship. How can I make our "break-up" easier?
Summertime Sadness, University of Connecticut
EASY. JUST GHOST HIM. CUT OF ALL CONTACT. I'M USING ALL CAPS BECAUSE FEELINGS ARE HARD AND I FEEL PASSIONATE ABOUT THIS QUESTION AND YOU NEED TO CUT HIM OFF ASAP. You will thank me later.
If you'd like bad guidance for your pressing personal problems, submit them here!
