Enabling Is A Form Of Toxicity And It’s Time To Recognize It

Enabling Is A Form Of Toxicity And It’s Time To Recognize It

It not them, it's not you, it is the both of you together.

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Often, after a rough patch in a friendship or relationship, we love to call the other person "toxic" and blame 99% of the problems of the relationship on that person. But that's not fair. Because it well and truly takes two to tango.

More than a singular person, relationships are toxic. I'm not saying there aren't certain people we encounter that produce a toxic presence in our lives, I'm simply saying that more than blaming that person for being toxic, maybe we recognize that it was our relationship with that person that was the root of toxicity.

There's a line in Halsey's most recent song Without Me. It goes: "I got you off your knees, put you right back on your feet just so you can take advantage of me. This is exactly the type of toxicity we often find ourselves in."

We often love to fix the "unfixable". We love to remain in the delusion that we have the capability to solve another individual's deep-rooted problems, to break their bad habits and make them the version they can be. But 1.) this is highly unlikely, 2.) what is to say these individuals want their problems solved, 3.) who are we to think that we can change a person who hasn't been able to change themselves in the X amount of years they have been in this bad place.

See the thing is sometimes we are enabling others to hurt us. We give them power over us by answering their call at 2 a.m. or being their friend when they need us. Then when they stop responding to our texts when morning comes, we blame them for being horrible people and for misusing our kindness. But after the second, third, fourth time you do pick up their late night call, they know you'll answer. They know you'll be there, no matter how they act towards you eight hours later. And that's on us. We can blame them for taking advantage, but we have to blame ourselves for allowing the advantage to be taken.

We allow them to think that what they are doing is okay. That "people who care will always be there" no matter how they treat you. And to some degree, that is on us. They won't magically change and realize their actions are hurting you or even think "Oh wow, I've really been treating _____ like trash. Maybe I should not." To some degree, enabling is only augmenting the toxicity.

Stop letting people treat you like you aren't worth more than they treat you. You cannot change a person who is unwilling to change themselves. It is not your job nor responsibility. You also cannot force others to face their problems or unwanted realities in hope that they will change. When you do so, you may be making things worse; when you push them, they'll push back. Pushing two same sides of a magnet never works. No matter how hard you try.

And the argument that if you truly care or love someone you'll stick around? IS. GARBAGE. Friendships, relationships or whatever other '-ships' you have do. not. work. like. that. It is a two way street. If someone treats you like a second-thought repeatedly, they don't deserve you or your kindness. And I know that love and affection isn't a faucet you can turn off and on- but if you really care, leave. They aren't good for you, and you stick around only enables them to continue their toxic ways. Don't allow them the liberties of treating you as second best, because even if you eventually leave, you've no enabled them to treat the next person that cares for them with the same toxicity and negativity.

Be willing to take a step back. Be willing to leave. Be willing to accept that it might be your relationship that exacerbates things. Be willing to see while their actions may be harmful or hurtful, your actions may have enabled them. But don't solely blame yourself, and don't solely blame them.

Enabling is just as toxic as their 'toxic' actions and influence in your life. Stop the cycle. Realize and recognize.

Sometimes two people just aren't made to work. Things don't always work out and maybe it was just a bad time, a bad match or a bad situation. But never enable someone to feel like they can mistreat someone and 'if the person cares' they will stick around.

Neither of you are truly at fault; neither of you are necessarily bad people, but it is up to you to recognize when two sides of a magnet are repelling and make actions from that part on that are proactive.

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I Know She's My Forever Friend

A forever friend is one of the most important people in your world.
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The bond that my forever friend and I have is something that I do not have with any other person in the world. This is a list of ways you know that you have a forever friend:

You never get tired of being around her

She is probably the only person in your life that hasn't begun to bother you for some reason or another, at some point in time. You could spend hours, or days, with her. Even the smallest things you do together are fun because you are with her.

No subject is off-limits

You tell each other everything, and I mean, everything.

Thinking about seeing each other over break

And of course, when you do see her

Your family is her family, and her family is yours

It's not weird for you to be at her house all the time, show up at strange hours, or just decide to spend the night even though you live three houses away. And of course, her family welcomes you in like you are another one of their daughters.

You two have a bizarre sense of humor that only you understand

Whether it is the nights you spend watching random YouTube videos at 2 a.m. that make you both laugh so hard you cry or the commercials on TV that are only funny to the both of you, only you guys understand the humor in certain situations. You have probably experienced some of the most embarrassing moments together, and if not together, then you got a vivid story of the event.

You have no filter when she is being overdramatic

You pick up where you left off

If you and your forever friend are anything like me and mine, we do not talk every single day. You may only speak once a week, but it will give you the opportunity to catch up and talk like you have talked every single day. There may be quick conversations to see how the other is doing because you know you are saving all of the important stories for when you see each other again. At this point, conversations don't even start with "Hi" anymore, you just jump right to the point and tell her what you need to.

You really don't have a choice when she needs to go to the mall

She would do anything to make you smile

Even when you are feeling down, your forever friend knows just the right thing to do to make you happy again. Whatever the case is, she will be there for you always. She will say, and do, just about anything that will make everything better.

And sometimes she just needs a reminder…

Cover Image Credit: PopSugar

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A Well-Deserved And Long Overdue Thank You To My Boyfriend

I know it's cliché, but he deserves it.

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Thank you for choosing me and loving me unconditionally every day. I do not deserve the love that you radiate, but I am beyond thankful for it. Thank you for showing me kindness in every action and for listening to every pointless story I have. Thank you for being the person I can go to 24/7 with any piece of news. Thank you for being the only person who can make me laugh when I am not in the mood at all. Thank you for picking up all of my pieces and wiping all of my tears. Thank you for making sure I always feel loved.

Thank you for believing in pinky promises just as much as I do and for making sure you never break them. Thank you for always reassuring me even though it gets annoying. Thank you for believing in me and pushing me out of my comfort zone. Thank you for knowing when I need a confidence boost, when I need a push, or when I just need a shoulder to cry on. Thank you for taking the time to learn everything about me.

Thank you for never giving up on me no matter how grumpy I get or how hard our week has been. Thank you for never going to sleep mad and always saying "I love you" before we leave. Thank you for the tight squeezes and play fights. Thank you for the deep belly laughs and jam sessions in the car. Thank you for the late-night phone calls when I can't sleep and for doing everything you can to make me better when I'm sick. Thank you for loving me no matter what and no matter when. Thank you for all of the memories. Thank you for holding on tight and never letting go.

Thank you for being everything I could ever want and for showing me what love really is.

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