Enabling Is A Form Of Toxicity And It’s Time To Recognize It

Enabling Is A Form Of Toxicity And It’s Time To Recognize It

It not them, it's not you, it is the both of you together.

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Often, after a rough patch in a friendship or relationship, we love to call the other person "toxic" and blame 99% of the problems of the relationship on that person. But that's not fair. Because it well and truly takes two to tango.

More than a singular person, relationships are toxic. I'm not saying there aren't certain people we encounter that produce a toxic presence in our lives, I'm simply saying that more than blaming that person for being toxic, maybe we recognize that it was our relationship with that person that was the root of toxicity.

There's a line in Halsey's most recent song Without Me. It goes: "I got you off your knees, put you right back on your feet just so you can take advantage of me. This is exactly the type of toxicity we often find ourselves in."

We often love to fix the "unfixable". We love to remain in the delusion that we have the capability to solve another individual's deep-rooted problems, to break their bad habits and make them the version they can be. But 1.) this is highly unlikely, 2.) what is to say these individuals want their problems solved, 3.) who are we to think that we can change a person who hasn't been able to change themselves in the X amount of years they have been in this bad place.

See the thing is sometimes we are enabling others to hurt us. We give them power over us by answering their call at 2 a.m. or being their friend when they need us. Then when they stop responding to our texts when morning comes, we blame them for being horrible people and for misusing our kindness. But after the second, third, fourth time you do pick up their late night call, they know you'll answer. They know you'll be there, no matter how they act towards you eight hours later. And that's on us. We can blame them for taking advantage, but we have to blame ourselves for allowing the advantage to be taken.

We allow them to think that what they are doing is okay. That "people who care will always be there" no matter how they treat you. And to some degree, that is on us. They won't magically change and realize their actions are hurting you or even think "Oh wow, I've really been treating _____ like trash. Maybe I should not." To some degree, enabling is only augmenting the toxicity.

Stop letting people treat you like you aren't worth more than they treat you. You cannot change a person who is unwilling to change themselves. It is not your job nor responsibility. You also cannot force others to face their problems or unwanted realities in hope that they will change. When you do so, you may be making things worse; when you push them, they'll push back. Pushing two same sides of a magnet never works. No matter how hard you try.

And the argument that if you truly care or love someone you'll stick around? IS. GARBAGE. Friendships, relationships or whatever other '-ships' you have do. not. work. like. that. It is a two way street. If someone treats you like a second-thought repeatedly, they don't deserve you or your kindness. And I know that love and affection isn't a faucet you can turn off and on- but if you really care, leave. They aren't good for you, and you stick around only enables them to continue their toxic ways. Don't allow them the liberties of treating you as second best, because even if you eventually leave, you've no enabled them to treat the next person that cares for them with the same toxicity and negativity.

Be willing to take a step back. Be willing to leave. Be willing to accept that it might be your relationship that exacerbates things. Be willing to see while their actions may be harmful or hurtful, your actions may have enabled them. But don't solely blame yourself, and don't solely blame them.

Enabling is just as toxic as their 'toxic' actions and influence in your life. Stop the cycle. Realize and recognize.

Sometimes two people just aren't made to work. Things don't always work out and maybe it was just a bad time, a bad match or a bad situation. But never enable someone to feel like they can mistreat someone and 'if the person cares' they will stick around.

Neither of you are truly at fault; neither of you are necessarily bad people, but it is up to you to recognize when two sides of a magnet are repelling and make actions from that part on that are proactive.

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To My Best Friend Who Taught Me What True Friendship Is, I Can't Thank You Enough

"To the person who will love you endlessly, love her with kindness and understanding."
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Dear Best Friend,

You have been a part of my life for quite some time now. You have seen my good, bad, and ugly sides and have stuck by my side through it all. I don't know if I could ever find the words to truly thank you for everything your friendship has given me, but I am definitely going to try.

Our lives have taken some twist and turn these past few years, but we have stayed strong through it all.

Thank you for judging me just the right amount.

Throughout our friendship, I have made some very questionable decisions. A lot of people would say "thanks for never judging me", but I feel like everyone needs a best friend who's going to tell them how it is; to tell them when they are about to make a bad decision or how to avoid something worse from happening. You have always told me how it is (even when I don't always want to hear it), but I know that I can come to you whenever I need someone to set me straight.

You're always down to do nothing with me.

I think that you are the one person that I can call up to hang out and do absolutely nothing with and have a good time. From the nights sitting in and playing card games to ordering Chinese food and watching an entire Netflix series while I dance around with the cat: I know that we could do anything, and nothing together and it would be fun.

But also, you're always down to get lit with me.

I swear one day we will be two old moms at a bar drinking vodka crans and laughing about the stupid shit our husbands and children do. You're always down to go out and have a good time. Even if everyone else we're with is miserable, we find a way to laugh at ourselves.

You are one of the few constant things in my life.

I've lost a lot of friends in my life, but you have stayed by my side through everything. I can't remember the last time we actually fought about anything, but even when we do we can't stay mad at each other for more than a day. I know we will be in each other's lives until we literally keel over.

I want you yo know that you're the strongest person I know.

You've dealt with things that not many people go through ever in their life. You have always been so mature, and you handle everything with grace. You inspire me every day with your goals and successes and I am so proud of you and all of your accomplishments.

Above all else, you deserve the world.

It's so easy to get caught up in your own mind and think that you deserve the things that happen to you, but please know that the only thing you deserve is happiness. Please settle for nothing short of that. It may take a bit to find your happiness, but I will be there every step of the way. You're a remarkable human being, and I want nothing but the best for you.

To the person who will hold your heart someday, please do not break it. To the person who may wrong you, you will regret it forever. To the person who will love you endlessly, love her with kindness and understanding.

You, my best friend, future bridesmaid, godmother of my children, the person to bail me out of jail, the one who lets me cry on their couch for twelve hours,

I love you.

I will cherish our friendship forever. Thank you for being you.

Love always,

Your best friend.

Cover Image Credit: Adriana Ranieri

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11 Of The Biggest Tinder Red Flags All Single Women Need To Swipe Left On

The red flags a woman swiping for men shouldn't ignore when it comes to finding someone on Tinder.

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Ah yes, the magical non-dating application that seems to be the go-to for most college singles looking for amusement in their uneventful Saturday night scheme: Tinder. Foreign to those who choose to meet other people in real life as opposed to over the internet or through social media, Tinder is widely popular on most colleges campuses, though one doesn't have to be a university student to make an account. For the readers who are familiar with the swipes of the dismissive or approving nature, you know what I mean when I say that some Tinder accounts aren't "swipe right" worthy. For the woman seeking man on Tinder, these are the 11 biggest red flags.

1. Grammar mistakes

bye

A tale as old as time: being turned off by someone's grammar incompetence. Did he go to the seventh grade? Most likely. So really, this is just a lack of caring on his part. He doesn't care about wooing someone with his articulate dialect? Oh, okay. Swipe left.

2. Risky bio

what why

There are honestly a number of examples of the "risky bio." I once saw a bio that said, "I sell drugs." I'm not joking. Red flag.

3. Their first pic is of them flicking off the camera

bye

I'm personally offended by this man already. Swipe left.

4. The shirtless mirror pic

no

Glad he's confident, that's cool, really. But there's just something about the image of a man standing in front of his dirty bathroom mirror searching for the right angle that is so strange. Just thinking about the multiple attempts that picture could have taken irks me.

5. Boomerang video of them vaping

so hip

Does he still have one of those? Okay...First of all, if vaping is such a significant part of his life that he has to share it with the world, at least he could blow some O's or something, the video playing back-and-forth of that cloud he's blowing is of minimal difficulty. At least try to impress.

6. Boomerang video of them chugging a beer

This isn't Barstool, this is you (the swiper) deciding whether or not a guy worth possibly meeting out in the real world. And while I would be impressed, you don't really know how long it took him to finish chugging that beer. He could have taken minutes, or not even finished the whole thing. Swipe left.

7. Only one picture

scam

Okay, there's only one picture of him in his Tinder profile - this is obviously a catfish. I mean, maybe it isn't, but if you trust a one-pictured profile then you have bigger balls than I do. And if it indeed is not a catfish, you're dealing with a guy who believes there is only ONE picture of himself out there that could tempt a female to swipe right (an issue in itself).

8. The first picture is of their car

car

Do I even need to elaborate on why this is a red flag?

9. When they admit they aren't the age Tinder has them as

too old for this

Okay, so Tinder thinks he's nineteen but in his bio, he is literally admitting to not being the age he submitted. Like... what? Swipe left.

10.  No pictures of them (only their dog)

dog

Honestly, it's a decent strategy these men have until we realize that we just swiped right on a German Shepherd.

11.  They're wearing a U of L shirt

go big blue

The crimson of all red flags. Go cats.

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