Empathy, or the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Some say having this trait is a blessing, and I’m not saying it isn’t, but when you have no control over how deeply you care about people it can bring pain and suffering. Let's get something straight, this article isn't me bragging about how amazing I am and how much I do for everyone around me. I simply just care a lot, sometimes about the wrong things. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I have gotten hurt time and time again because of it. When a new person makes their way into my life, I automatically find myself openly taking on their problems as if they're my own.
Don’t get me wrong, caring about the right people makes it all worth it, but lately I’ve wished I could just shut off that part about myself and be selfish for a little while and worry about me instead of everyone else in my life. I think there is a fine line between empathy and codependency and I’ve crossed that line more often than not. I get sick over people being angry or annoyed with me, and I dig myself into these mental holes and I tear myself apart. When people are sad, I take on those emotions and I’m sad with them, when they're happy, I’m happy. Sometimes it’s amazing to be so open and raw with people and to care so deeply that they become a part of me, but in reality it can become too much to handle and I end up pushing my health, both mental and physical, to the wayside. Emotions demand to be felt, and I’m all about accepting the present and rolling with the punches, but my own issues are hard enough to deal with and on top of it I’m subconsciously taking on everyone else's.
The hardest part about caring too much is when people leave. Whether it be a loved one, a friend, or significant others, when someone walks out of my life a piece of me leaves with them. I’m left with a gap in my life and I try tirelessly to fill it, sometimes not with the best alternatives. I blame myself for not being good enough and look back and pick apart every single situation where I could've done something differently or better. I end up exhausted and hurt and it takes tons of effort and a lot of time with good friends to make me realize that I didn't need them anyway and that they're the ones missing out. I have so much love to give and I’m beyond willing to be there for anyone who needs me, and if someone walks out on that, then it’s honestly their loss and not mine.
I know what you're thinking, “just stop caring so much.” For some that may be easy but for me that’s nearly impossible, it’s just so much easier said than done. When it comes down to it, I wouldn't change this part about me, I would simply turn it off from time to time to make certain situations easier on my mental state, but I can’t. I can’t turn off my codependency and I guess there’s a reason for that and one day, looking at the big picture, maybe I’ll know why. Maybe all those pieces that I left and lost in people will come back to me in different forms and this gap I’m constantly feeling will be filled permanently with happiness and joy. I’m looking forward to that day.
