For me, showing my emotions is sign of weakness. When I get angry, I end up crying, which pisses me off even more. I don’t cry because the person I am angry at said something mean but they’ve made me so angry that I can’t do anything except angry cry. In order to avoid this, I just shut down, do not show any feelings toward anything being argued or discussed. I let them do the talking and just sit there quietly so I do not have to talk or get angry. I only say “okay” or “sure”, which pisses the other person off even more because they think I am being rude or don’t seem to care what they have to say. I am called “heartless, cold or a bi**h” But, I don’t let that faze me because if I don’t indulge in that conversation, I can keep my emotions intact. I am aware that this is very unhealthy and maybe immature but this is what I have to do to not let my emotions show. Plus, if not talking is not an option, then I try with every inch of me to stay emotionless. This is a very bad habit of mine and I have been told numerous time to let my emotions flow but I cannot do that. I can’t physically let myself do that. I have ingrained into my head that it is a sign of weakness. I have seen it in personal life how the person who is letting their emotions flow being looked at as being feeble.
I do not ever want to be looked at a frail being who cannot control their emotions. Even though I brought this onto myself, sometimes it does get difficult or makes me upset even more because I have this habit. On those days where I just cant take this habit anymore, I turn to dear old Google and look up how to get rid of it. On those days, I question myself: why did I even pick up this habit? How bad is it really to show your emotions? I found somethings that are helpful which I do I partake in. For instance, the internet has told to find other healthy ways to let our my anger, listen to really loud music and dance it out. (FYI: Meredith and Cristina do that as well in Grey’s Anatomy). I rarely dance but I do crank up some music and forget about the thing that is bothering me and then deal with it with a leveled head. I think, for me it is better for me to not shut down automatically but indulge in things that will make me forget about the issue temporarily and go back to it where I can discuss without my emotions overflowing or thinking of ways to stop my emotions from showing.
This bad habit of mine is pretty messy and explaining it is even more complicated. I bring this on myself to get rid of a problem but I get into another problem. So, I am stuck within this and try to find ways to get out of this habit and find healthier ways to cope with this problem, I have. I have no one to blame but me, so the person I have to depend on is me to get rid of it.