So I alluded to this in my article, I Escaped My Relationship Hopping And Found A Happier Me, while I am not sure if I am ready to talk about it in its entirety, I know I can talk about some aspects. It is getting easier over time, I know it has been about nine years now, but it still affects me some to this day.
When I hear other people talk about emotionally/mentally abusive relationships that have not experienced it, I often hear the "Why can't they just leave?" In reality, it is normally hard to "just leave" or to "get out of that situation right away."
I wish I would have just left mine, but I stayed in it for a year and a half.
While my experience is not the same as anyone, there tend to be parallels to these types of relationships. Normally, these relationships start out wonderful. They are full of that gushy, puppy/honeymoon "love." The trust builds up between them, and the one being abused begins to believe that nothing bad will happen or that they finally found the one.
Slowly, rules begin to appear. You can't wear this, you must wear a jacket at all time, you can't speak to X gender. At this time though, the abuser tends to put similar rules on themselves, to make it seem like its fair. However, over time they stop following the rules (normally they never actually followed) set in place but get angry whenever you try to stop following them too. Sometimes, by this time those rules are ingrained in their head, so it becomes harder to rebel.
The degrading also will begin around this time. The "only I can love you like this," or "you won't be able to find anyone else," or "you are worthless without me."
The power dominance already began with the rules, and continue to be enforced with the degrading. Sometimes friends and families begin to notice the victims change in demeanor. I know at this time, I began to talk down to myself, to doubt my capabilities. My own family kept telling me this was not a good relationship, but I denied that idea.
I did not want to believe it, I thought I was "in love."
The one being abused normally realizes the toxicity of the relationship at some point - the length of time for this realization differs from person to person. I did not come to a realization until about a year. But wait, I said I was in this relationship for a year and a half right?
It took me about six months to "just leave."
Leaving these types of relationships can be dangerous. Some can turn into physical abuse, other lead to more blaming and make the person feel guilty for leaving, which is what mine did. He would threaten suicide, or remind me how no one else would want me. After a year of hearing these ideas, following the rules, it became my life, my thought process, the words constantly echoed in my head.
It was hard to break that thought process.
When the person does manage to leave, the rule following, the echoing words do not just disappear. The ideas stay with them, the yelling, the degrading, their voice constantly appears in their head. For some it gets better over time, for some, it breaks them more. These relationships can affect future relationships, such as in my case. Sometimes the people go back to similar relationships, unable to break a mindset that is now ingrained in their head.
The healing process is not an easy one. I can sometimes still hear his words to this day. Finding others that went through similar experiences can help, learning how to push down the mindset, cause saying "just leave" to someone going through this experience is harder said than done.
