After attending the last two years of Elon University basketball games, it's clear that the team needs a coaching change. Sure, Elon could hire some average CAA level coach who is all about academics before athletics and be content with mediocrity, but that would be fun for no one. What we need to do is throw our morals aside and get into the big time recruiting game. We need a good old fashioned scandal.
Now, there's a man, nay, a vampire out there who is absolutely perfect for this job. Can you think of who? I'll give you 15 seconds...
That's right! We need Rick Pitino to take over our program and bring us to glory.
Pitino is aching to get back into college athletics so he can stick it to the NCAA. Plus, the dude is coaching in Greece right now, so I think he would take the job at Elon.
When Rick takes over, the 5-star recruits will start coming in faster than you can say Italian Restaurant. Pitino has set a precedent for paying players $100k so there is no reason to think good old Ricky won't do the same thing again for the maroon and gold. Once these 5-stars come in for year 1, Elon will dominate the CAA and maybe make a first-round upset in the 12-5 game.
This will start to set alarm bells in the NCAA offices as Elon should not be able to get that good so quickly. This won't matter as we will have 2 things working in our favor. The first is that Rick is an expert at cheating at this point in his career so there is no way he will get caught so early on in his tenure. The second is that the NCAA takes literally forever to investigate programs. This gives us another 3 years of building success off of 4 and 5-star talent before the NCAA shuts the whole thing down.
I'm sure some of you will feel a little guilty about letting the dirtiest coach in the history of basketball come in and blatantly cheat his way to domination. I assure you that your guilty conscience will be quite cleared when we raise a final four banner in the Schar Center. If you still feel bad, the championship banner the next season will surely let you sleep easy. By the time the NCAA forces us to take these banners down, enough time will have passed that you only have fond memories of the incredible team. You won't be mad at Pitino and the school but instead, yell at the narcs from the NCAA who ruined all of our fun.
Now, this NCAA punishment for our horrendous disregard of the rules will lead to a few down years. These years will be worth the glory we achieved under the great Rick Pitino. We will have gained national attention for our unexpected success in March as people all around the country will forever see us as a basketball school, even though we cheated our brains out to accomplish this. Also, the 30 for 30 on this is going to be lit.
Once all the smoke clears and the sanctions wear off, top tier players will want to play at Elon because they won't see us as cheaters, but as a powerhouse who got screwed by the NCAA because our name wasn't UNC or Kentucky. Elon will
After thinking all of this through, it's clear to me that cheating our way to the top is the only sensible thing to do in the post-Matheny era. It will solve our problem of lacking national exposure and will give us unparalleled success in the process. We don't need to worry about any fallout as nothing could burn our program to the ground. After all, we're Phoenixes; we rise from the ashes.