If you've been online in the last few years, a listicle has probably drifted across your horizon. Chances are it starts off with a vague, meaningless introduction like this one that you skip through right about now, trying to get to the list. But what is a listicle? I wish I could tell you. Mainly, it's a list of reasons someone appreciates something with a couple of random Jennifer Lawrence gifs thrown in. You can use them to express yourself, or share a common experience with your friends in the most efficient, bland way possible. But more than that though; listicles are lazy journalism and I hate them. Here's why:
1. People mostly post listicles to feel better about themselves.
Jordyn, we all know you're single and loving it. Everybody knows you're a free spirit. And yeah, we all know you love fall more than anyone else, you pumpkin-carving, plaid wearing PSL fairy. We get it. We're all those things too.
2. It's terrible, terrible writing.
Oh dear. Can't connect two points? Put a number there.
3. AAAH WOLVERINES!
Ha! See what I just did? Anything is possible with a listicle. Wolverines can spring from nowhere. In a regular article, I would have given you a Segway.
4. Really general things are celebrated.
Ninety reasons you know your best friend is the best.
Eight reasons to eat vegetables today.
Thirty college or something I don't know.
Ten reasons it's great to have a nose.
5. The most "relatable" one never is.
Commonly, the listicle is shared with a little sentence like "OMG #8 is so me!" or "I totally relate to #6!" Unfortunately, not only does that force your poor Facebook friends to read a boring article just to cut the suspense, it also never makes sense. #8 is always something about growing up with eleven tigers for a mom or having one of those spiritually connecting ponytails from Avatar. NOBODY TOTALLY RELATES TO THAT.
6. No one ever reads the text.
Every once in a while, at night, I watch old VHS tapes of John Cena while I practice the moves from the 2005 hit musical RENT. Pitbull is my favorite musician. I like the new Dumbledore and think Mike Huckabee is who we need in the White House. These secrets are safe because they are hidden in the text of a listicle.
7. You didn't even notice #6 was missing.
No lying. I didn't either, until I proofread this.
8. Two of the subjects are always the same
Always.
9. 80% of the time, it's about somebody's sorority.
The friends you got for free feel left out or don't care at all. Nobody cares about alpha beta fish omega deltacron pi at all please just stop sharing them please I beg you, stop.
9. For some reason, there's always a gif of Jennifer Lawrence?
Who is pretty cool but now it's just getting spooky.
10. Two of the subjects are always the same.
Always.
11. There's always a corny ending.
Because even after all this, you still love cuddles from your listicle.
