I'm sorry to tell you this because once you see this you will never forget it, but a sunny side up egg reminds me of Mike Wazowski's eye. I will never not see that, and he scared me just as much as he scared Boo and pretty much everyone else. This is the beginning and the end of my fear of eggs. I don't think I even have to say anything else, but eggs are something I simply do not understand.

I'm not trying to criticize you for eating eggs, because if there was nothing left in this world I would eat eggs, but unlike most animals where they live and die, and we eat them… what do we do to eggs?

We say they are not able to be chickens, but that sounds more like an excuse than anything else. If it didn't have the possibility to exist then how do we have them? There was a possibility for eggs to at some point, and we tell ourselves they couldn't to find comfort. I hope you enjoy eating your basically aborted chicken.

Not to mention, we take them from their mothers. So we kill their babies, take them away, and then eat them— doesn't sound so humane to me. Eggs are so delicate we practically have to cradle them home. They are fragile, vulnerable little enigmas.

Before you go all Food Inc on me, I understand these fundamental issues of meat production, but I am not talking about that. I am talking about eggs, and eggs are different.

We fry, poach, scramble, and boil eggs. That sounds pretty torturous if you ask me, but we call them types, and everyone has a peculiar preference. We use them in cakes to act as "glue" which also perplexes me. It might as well be a science experiment.

I understand the taste of omelets, but a lonesome egg literally tastes like nothing. So, why do we like them so much? People who put raw eggs in a smoothie or a beer in the morning really concern me. Please tell me why you do this because I have yet to wrap my head around it except for maybe it's "health benefits." I doubt Frank from "Shameless" drank a beer and egg in the morning for any health reason other than an excuse to drink a beer that early. I'd rather just tap a keg than crack an egg.

Next question… WHAT IS THE APPEAL OF A RUNNY YOLK. A yolk literally reminds me of that orange solidified butter you see when you didn't pop your movie theatre butter popcorn properly. If you find it appealing, I think you might be a little scrambled yourself.

Scrambled eggs remind me of a moist jello you find in a hospital or day old oatmeal at a nursing home.

What is over easy? Eggs Benedict?

Hard-boiled reminds me of humpy dumpty or just a plain rotten egg. It is DARK GREEN. The color of mold. This questionable orange yellow turns into a deviled green. EW.

We might be a bit more deviled than the eggs.

My lingering questions are who thought of these methods, who named them, and why are there so many different textures? I am not telling you not to eat them because we do and that is a part of our culture, but honestly, eggs freak me out. They always have and always will.