You can't hate yourself into loving yourself.
I cried as I laid there on the bathroom floor throwing up my dinner. Every time I cried. This was supposed to make me feel better I thought. This is supposed to take away the pain. But as I cried I knew the pain didn't go I knew I didn't feel better so I continued to do it hoping it would help eventually.
I did this because I hated my body I hated everything about myself. I thought if I threw up then I would lose weight and then I would love myself. But that's not the way it works. As the number on the scale got smaller so did the love I had for myself so did my self-respect & the amount of value I thought I had as a person.
I hated myself for giving up my favorite foods, into not going to school dances, into not wearing my favorite dresses, into not eating for days, into cutting myself, into a deep depression, into wanting and attempting suicide. I couldn't go out to eat after shopping with a group of friends and not feel the anxiety of eating in front of others rise up so high i couldn't take more than 3 bites.
My life stopped and the world around me continued. My friends went to football games and dances and I stayed home to avoid crowds and food, hoping I'd get the chance to sneak downstairs and throw up again. I missed out on high school and summer and middle school too. But the world continues around you nobody stops and waits for you to have the confidence and self-love you need to enjoy life again when they have it now.
This is what happens when you fall into an eating disorder. When you choose to do hurtful things to your body in order to lose weight. And ultimately when you are doing this its so that you will feel better about yourself. But its temporary just like any addiction. Doing this to feel better about yourself will last for a short period of time and before you know it that won't be enough anymore, that really low number that has always been your goal weight is now too high because you still don't love yourself you still have horribly low self-esteem and hate your entire body. Throwing up that food or starving yourself all day feels good for a minute and then the guilt of not starving longer or not throwing up more often will come back and once again you are stuck back where you were at the beginning of all this. Your back to where you started sad and disgusted that you gave up so many great pleasures just because you were so self-conscious about your body and none of it even worked. I can promise you that at no time in my eating disorder was I genuinely happy maybe for a second or in a moment I would laugh or be relaxed but that does not mean happy. So what really does help? Here're 4 things you can try to help with body image:- Try covering up your mirror:
This can help if you are constantly standing in front of your mirror for so long that you begin to criticize yourself
- Try therapy:
You are not crazy for going to therapy, in fact, it makes you quite wise and strong to be able to admit to not being able to handle this on your own.
-Read a positive body image book/workbook:
I love Body Positive books. One that really helped me was " The Body Image Workbook" (2nd Edition) or you could get "The Body Image Teen Workbook". You can find these on Amazon.
-Write a list of things you DO like about yourself:
You have to really believe that these things about yourself are good and you have to really like them. Try two body related compliments and two based on your personality. As you learn to love those parts more add another compliment of each kind to your list.
Stop and think about it before you choose not to eat, before you choose to weigh yourself over and over. Think about the misery it will cause you how it won't bring anywhere near the amount of joy you could get out of learning to love yourself in a healthy way.
