Let's talk about eating disorders and people that have them. Eating disorders look different for everyone. There are several different kinds, and there's even a name for eating disorders that closely resemble multiple forms. I have EDNOS, which stands for Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. I have symptoms of Anorexia, Bulimia, and Binge Eating Disorder. Does that make my illness any less legitimate? No.
I went to treatment for my eating disorder last fall, and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. While I was there, I was basically in a "no triggering language" bubble, so coming back to college was a bit of a shock. Everyone knows someone who is at least struggling with disordered eating if they're not struggling themselves. I know that's a broad statement, but I stand by it. Someone can look or seem fine, but be really struggling with food. Take me, for example.
Before I went to treatment, I was going to therapy for depression and anxiety. My therapist had told me I was struggling with disordered eating but didn't say the words "eating disorder". I figured that I was fine. I was only skipping a few meals, and I felt that I made up for those meals with binges. That's not how it works.
My ex-boyfriend was the one that pointed out how out of control I had gotten. I didn't feel like I needed any treatment further than the therapy I was in. I was still a healthy weight. Sure, I had lost a lot of weight recently, but I had only lost my Freshman 15. That wasn't a big deal, right? Wrong.
I called the treatment center, mainly just to pacify my parents and my boyfriend at the time. The admissions nurse asked me a lot of questions, including about any recent weight loss. I mentioned dropping a little weight, and she seemed concerned. She offered me a bed, and I was in the program by the end of the week.
When I got to treatment, they diagnosed me with EDNOS, Major Depressive Disorder, PTSD, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I was still a healthy weight at that point. I mean, a doctor had literally said to me "You're a healthy weight. Keep doing whatever you're doing," earlier that month. Yeah, I was on the low end of the healthy spectrum, but I wasn't underweight. I couldn't be anorexic because I wasn't underweight.
After I was discharged, I heard that people had been talking about me, my eating disorder, and my treatment. I was crushed. I didn't want anyone to think I was looking for attention, but that's exactly what people thought. Just because I didn't fit the stereotypical description of an eating disorder, people thought I was faking.
Here's the bottom line: I wasn't faking my eating disorder. It's legitimate. A treatment center would not have offered me a bed if I was only seeking attention. I wasn't getting the nutrition I needed, and that's that. Yeah, I'm vocal about it. Everyone copes differently. Some people aren't as open. Some people suffer through the same thing in silence and never get treatment.
Not everyone with an eating disorder is "frail". Not everyone with an eating disorder is "tragically beautiful". Not everyone with an eating disorder is skinny. Not everyone with an eating disorder is passing out. Not everyone with an eating disorder is outright struggling.
If you're skipping meals, that's disordered eating. If you're cutting out entire food groups for weight loss reasons, that's disordered eating. If you're working out based on how many calories you've had to lose weight, that's disordered. Especially if you're also restricting food. If you're taking laxatives after you eat, that's disordered.
I still struggle to this day. No, I'm still not underweight. I don't look like I'm struggling, but I am. I still don't feel like I was sick enough to go to treatment. I don't feel like I was ever sick enough. Eating disorders are competitive things, so if you have a negative opinion about mine, do me a favor and keep your mouth shut.
I'm not here to tell you not to diet. I'm simply here to make sure you can re-evaluate what you're doing and stay healthy.
