***Trigger warning***

I have drastically changed how I live my life. I really haven’t cared what happened to me in the past. I no longer throw myself from my skateboard in traffic. I no longer daydream of throwing my car off a highway bridge. I no longer stay underwater to drown. Ultimately, I stopped looking in the mirror. The mirror has always been my biggest enemy. By that I mean, I, myself was always the enemy.

Welcome to life with Ella, my eating disorder.

Age 8 was when Ella, the bitch who tells me I’m not good enough, introduced herself. Just recently, I told my parents Ella was part of my life. Ella, the reason I was skin and bone growing up. Most people believed it was my medications.

Each person with an eating disorder has a completely different disorder. Yes, there’re categories, that doesn’t mean everyone is the same.

Every day can be different with her. Ella is every eating disorder combined. Formally identified as EDNOS (eating disorder not otherwise specified), she now identifies as OSFED (other specified feeding or eating disorder). Ella has been anorexia, purging disorder, bulimia and binge eating disorder. You could say she’s tried it all. However, Ella is not anorexia. She is not Bulimia. She is not a specified disorder.

From attending several funerals for friends to moving for the last time in high school, I was on edge last year. Self-harm at its worst, Ella at her best, I started to refuse food. Eating was only an option if I had a commitment or was too dizzy to stand. Malnourishment became a problem. I may not be underweight, however, you don’t have to be a certain weight, shape or size to have an eating disorder.

Two of my good friends, we will call them “H” and “M”, are reasons I decided to get better. It’s funny because people always say to do it for yourself, but by doing it for the people I love, is for myself. H and M are the reasons I do my best and thrive.

Ariel Bloomer and the "REL Show" on YouTube, has helped me as well. Weekly videos are posted on self-love. Some may feel it's cliché, but I highly suggest looking into Ariel's channel. Especially my personal favorite episode, "You Are A Badass."

I’m asked quite often, “how can I help you get better?” The truth is you can't do much. I really need you to be there for me. I don’t need food forced down my throat.

Ella is like the bully you had to deal with in middle school or high school. She’s that girl who told you daily how worthless you are. You need a friend to stand up for you. You need to be told you’re not worthless.

I’m winning, one minute at a time, with the people who are on this road full of turns and potholes.

Here comes my message for Ella. Ella please, kiss my ass. I may have to live with you in my head for the rest of my life, but you haven’t and won’t win.

If you have an Ella in your life, I want and need you to know, you’re more than your disorder, you’re worth it.