What is it like having an eating disorder, to begin with? A LIVING HELL.

What is it like having an eating disorder and not being a size 0? Or anywhere close? A LIVING HELL times TWO.

Nobody assumes you have an eating disorder because you "don't look that way."

Unless I am literally dying, MY BODY WILL NEVER be stick thin. At the worst point in my eating disorder, I was a size 8. That is skinny for my body. My normal, healthy size is a 12, that is just how my body works. I have thick and muscular calves and thighs, I am curvy. My hips are wide and my waist is tiny. I am flat chested and don't have much of a butt, either.

At my WORST, people thought I looked my BEST.

What they didn't know was I was throwing up every single meal, obsessing over what I ate, counting calories, etc.

I can't be diagnosed "Anorexic" because I don't fit the BMI requirements.

The proper diagnosis for someone like me who is BASICALLY anorexic, but can't technically be diagnosed because of an inadequate BMI, is EDNOS. Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. So, basically, I'm not even skinny enough to be anorexic.

I struggle in silence because the world can't see past my weight.

I hate eating in front of people. I am scared they are going to judge what I'm eating or how many calories I'm taking in. I make excuses when people ask me to eat with them. I can't tell them I'm struggling with an eating disorder because "I'm not skinny enough."