When it all began.
I never realized this until recently, that is all really began the summer before my Freshman year of college. I was working at a fitness center, so I was working out many times a week. I just saw this that I was taking advantage of a free gym membership, I didn't see it as a problem. I was weighing myself every so often, and there wasn't much change, so I just figured everything was okay. I had dropped ten pounds from the end of my senior year to the middle of summer. I was proud of my progress, and figured, why can't I drop just a couple more pounds?
The beginning of the disorder.
It was the beginning of my Freshman year of college, and I was moving into the dorms with several other girls. Everything started off great, then when I started to see some of the girls living on my floor, I wanted to be as thin as them. This is when things got worse, but I didn't know it then. I would hide in the bathroom, and the purging began. If I ate three meals a day, I felt that was too much, so I had to take care of it somehow. I had a scale in my room and weighed myself every once and a while. I wasn't seeing much of a difference, and this was really bothering me. No one knew what was going on, and I was able to keep my secret to myself for a very long time. I would hang out with friends, and if we were having a snack night while hanging out, I would sneak away to the bathroom for awhile, and the purging was continuing. I felt like I had too much food, and I couldn't work out, so I needed to take care of it in some way. I felt so lost and disconnected from my family and my friends.
Feeling like there's no way out.
I got to the point where I was working out more than eating. I completely changed my lifestyle. I was working out several times a day, for long periods of time. I created my own diet where I would only eat one meal a day, with maybe one snack here or there. I was trying to live the college life and was going out with friends and would drink on an empty stomach; I didn't see anything wrong with any of this. I was becoming more and more distant from those who cared about me. I wanted to be alone so nobody would question what I was doing. I would workout in the morning, the afternoon, and immediately go for a run after my second workout. This would be a light workout day for me. I was weighing myself any chance I could get. I was happy when the number went down, but if it went up, I spent a day working out, and not eating. I could go at least a full day with no food; this was the new normal for my body. I felt like I couldn't stop what I was doing. My whole body was numb, and I had no idea what I was doing. I got to the point where I was hurting myself to see if I could feel any pain at all. I felt nothing, and it just continued. My mental health was at an all time low, and I didn't know how to fix this. The last time I weighed myself, I was a total of 98 pounds. I was tremendously underweight, but saw nothing wrong. I went on Spring Break to visit my cousins, and realized, I needed to do something.
When I realized I needed help.
I went to visit my cousins for Spring Break, and I kept telling myself that I was going to open up to them and tell them what was going on. I forgot all about the troubles I was having because I was happy to be away from my new normal and having fun with my family. I knew when I got home from this trip, I needed to do something to help myself get better. I got home, and the purging happened one more time. I thought I could do this on my own and things would be okay. I realized I needed to talk to someone, and I finally opened up to my family. I told my parents and they were nothing but supportive of the help I needed to seek. Life for me at the time was really hard. I began getting the help I needed. It took me a while to realize I needed the help, but I finally realized that what I was doing was not okay for me.
Life does get better, sometimes it just takes a little while.
Even now, about 4 and a half years after I realized something was wrong, I still struggle everyday. It took me a long time to realize that things would be okay, but I always had, and still have, someone by my side to encourage me every single day. Each day is a new beginning for me. I still have days where I struggle and feel like I'm not skinny enough, so I need to fast and workout. I am reminded each day by my boyfriend, that to him I am beautiful and he would not change a thing about me. He walks by my side and helps me when I am struggling to realize that I am enough. My parents still tell me how proud they are of me and support me in everything I do. Everyday I try to keep a positive attitude and make it through my day and tell myself that I am here for a reason and I was made the way I am for a reason. Life gets better everyday, but sometimes it just takes a little time.
