Just because I'm easy to make fun of doesn't mean I enjoy it.

I get jabs constantly and I'm under the strong impression that I bring it upon myself. After all, I am ridiculously clumsy and very much a pushover.

Sometimes, I make fun of myself first. But that doesn't mean I enjoy the constant remarks at my expense.

And me not enjoying a wave of never-ending insults doesn't make me "soft" nor does it make me "sensitive."

The reason I often am the first to roast myself is that I know it's easier to hear it in my own voice rather than someone else's.

And the reason I don't always enjoy it is because I am human. We all enjoy to be complimented and feel a wave of support. But we also show affection by joking around.

For such reasons, I've been conditioned to think that the comfortability levels of poking fun at each other directly correlates with how strong your relationship is.

And when I attempt to assert myself, my situation only worsens.

"Don't be soft." "Stop being so sensitive." And so on.

So for the longest time I've been afraid to actually discuss how I feel regarding how people treat me. Because if it makes them happy to get a good laugh, why does it matter how I feel?

Because if I can't take anything anyone throws at me, I must really just need to toughen up. So I take it and I keep my mouth shut.

But I need people to know what this cycle has done to me.

I constantly question my self-worth. Everything bad that happens to me is something I brought upon myself.

Every time I get taken advantage of and I feel bad as a result, I think "well I must not be a strong person."

And then I get told to stand up for myself more. And I try. But then I hear "don't be so defensive," and "you're taking this the wrong way."

My question to you after such conflicting remarks is, "how do I win?" I think the answer is that I cannot win.

Maybe I am skinny and weak. Maybe I am pale and awkward. Maybe I am passive. And maybe I'm not everything you need me to be and for that I am sorry.

But I am still human. Although I conceal my feelings much of the time and love a good laugh as much as the next person, I still don't like being constantly railed on.

And I know as a result of writing this, I will probably be told to lighten up.

But I am sick and tired of being used as a metaphorical punching bag because I "make it easy." Just because it's easy, doesn't make it right.

I'm not saying "Please, no one tease, me ever," I'm saying I also want to talk to people for real. I'm saying I want the teasing to cease after a reasonable amount of time.

I'm saying I want to get out of this cycle and for that to happen I need a little bit of support.

When you're easily roastable, as many of my friends call it, you're hyper-aware of your flaws because many people have continuously pointed them out to you.

When you get teased more than the average human, you start to forget how you deserve to be treated.

In the moment of a particularly awful comment, you seem entirely unphased. Like I said, I've become a pro at suppressing my emotions. Most of the time I do feel relaxed and happy.

But please be aware that after hearing my insecurities said out loud to me by so many people in my life I cannot help but internalize them.

And it took me until now to realize that is not my fault. What on earth do you expect from me?

You can tell me to toughen up but I'll tell you this is me toughening up.

I do deserve better a lot of the time — so here I am asserting myself. Think before you speak, or at least notice before you've gone much too far.

I may be easy to laugh at, but if you took the time to listen you'd know there are other redeeming qualities I possess.