Dear Me During A Depressive Episode, It's Heavy Now But It Won't Be Forever

Dear Me During A Depressive Episode, It's Heavy Now But It Won't Be Forever

You are the bright light at the end of the tunnel.


Dear Me,

If you're reading this, it must be another one of those times. Maybe this will last a week, or a month, or longer. You may find yourself in bed more often, shutting everyone out, and slowing down. That's okay.

Make sure you take your medicine. Take it before noon every day, we don't want any crazy emotional swings and we do NOT want to find ourselves pregnant (not yet, at least).

I know that sometimes even brushing your hair is hard, but I promise that once you do- you'll feel 10 times better (and I'm not exaggerating). If you can, make sure to wash it too. Don't let it get TOO greasy, because then everyone knows you don't have your shit together.

I'll bet that you're taking a handful of baths and showers a day, and that's okay. Maybe you aren't taking them at all and you're just sitting on the floor with the water running- this is your sign to get up. You'll feel better when you do.

You better be eating, too. Not garbage food either- food is fuel, not fun. If you need a nutragrain bar, treat yo' self. But don't go too crazy, because you know you feel like shit when you do.

Don't cancel your therapy sessions. The world is a better place when you stick to your routine. Go see Joanne, and/or your psychiatrist.

Make a to-do list. I know sometimes you get overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done, even if it isn't necessary until two weeks later. So make a list and check that shit off one by one.

I would tell you to do a face mask, but I know you probably won't. I know your body feels tired, but I promise that it doesn't always feel like that. No matter how long you've been feeling this way, you KNOW you've felt better.

You know yourself. You know exactly how bad things get, but you know exactly how amazing they can be. You are the bright light at the end of the tunnel.

You are amazing, talented, beautiful, kind (when you want to be), smart, passionate, ambitious, driven, loud, and a bunch of things that I don't even think words could sum up.

You love yourself and your cats and your future and your Bubba.

You're going to make it. Don't even think there are any other possibilities other than THRIVING.



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To The Person Who Feels Suicidal But Doesn't Want To Die

Suicidal thoughts are not black and white.

Everyone assumes that if you have suicidal thoughts that means you want to die.

From an outside perspective, suicidal thoughts are rarely looked into deeper than the surface level. Either you have suicidal thoughts and you want to die, or you don't have suicidal thoughts and you want to live. What most people don't understand is that people live in between those two statements, I for one am one of them.

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was a kid.

My first recollection of it was when I came home after school one day and got in trouble, and while I was just sitting in the dining room I kept thinking, “I wonder what it would be like to take a knife from the kitchen and just shove it into my stomach." I didn't want to die, or even hurt myself for that matter. But those thoughts haven't stopped since.

I've thought about going into the bathroom and taking every single pill I could find and just drifting to sleep and never waking back up, I've thought about hurting myself to take the pain away, just a few days ago on my way to work I thought about driving my car straight into a tree. But I didn't. Why? Because even though that urge was so strong, I didn't want to die. I still don't, I don't want my life to end.

I don't think I've ever told anyone about these feelings. I don't want others to worry because the first thing anyone thinks when you tell them you have thoughts about hurting or killing yourself is that you're absolutely going to do it and they begin to panic. Yes, I have suicidal thoughts, but I don't want to die.

It's a confusing feeling, it's a scary feeling.

When the depression takes over you feel like you aren't in control. It's like you're drowning.

Every bad memory, every single thing that hurt you, every bad thing you've ever done comes back and grabs you by the ankle and drags you back under the water just as you're about the reach the surface. It's suffocating and not being able to do anything about it.

The hardest part is you never know when these thoughts are going to come. Some days you're just so happy and can't believe how good your life is, and the very next day you could be alone in a dark room unable to see because of the tears welling up in your eyes and thinking you'd be better off dead.

You feel alone, you feel like a burden to everyone around you, you feel like the world would be better off without you. I wish it was something I could just turn off but I can't, no matter how hard I try.

These feelings come in waves.

It feels like you're swimming and the sun is shining and you're having a great time until a wave comes and sucks you under into the darkness of the water. No matter how hard you try to reach the surface again a new wave comes and hits you back under again, and again, and again.

And then it just stops.

But you never know when the next wave is going to come. You never know when you're going to be sucked back under.

I always wondered if I was the only one like this.

It didn't make any sense to me, how did I think about suicide so often but not want to die? But I was thinking about it in black and white, I thought I wasn't allowed to have those feelings since I wasn't going to act on them. But then I read articles much like this one and I realized I'm not the only one. Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, and my feelings are valid.

To everyone who feels this way, you aren't alone.

I thought I was for the longest time, I thought I was the only one who felt this way and I didn't understand how I could feel this way. But please, I implore you to talk to someone, anyone, about the way you're feeling, whether it be a family member, significant other, a friend, a therapist.

My biggest mistake all these years was never telling anyone how I feel in fear that they would either brush me off because “who could be suicidal but not want to die?" or panic and try to commit me to a hospital or something. Writing this article has been the greatest feeling of relief I've felt in a long time, talking about it helps. I know it's scary to tell people how you're feeling, but you're not alone and you don't have to go through this alone.

Suicidal thoughts aren't black and white, your feelings are valid, and there are people here for you. You are not alone.

If you or someone you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline — 1-800-273-8255

Cover Image Credit: BengaliClicker

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