Yes, the secret is out... I'm a drug addict, better known as a love addict. Love is my drug, but sometimes I feel as if they are both just as addicting.

When I think of my dad, a person who actually does suffer from drug addiction, I see myself. I ponder the memories of when he was still married to my mom. Though I was very young, I remember one moment within those times so clearly. I remember, the nights around my bedtime, when I was bitter about the thought of going to bed. I would see from the corner of my eyes the outside light reflecting off the front porch. The door creaks open, the sound of keys jingles like bells. It's then that I smile. I run to my father and hug him as he picks me up and twirls me around. For a while bedtime wasn't so bad anymore. Until it was again. Until my dad no longer came home at night, until my dad was no longer my dad anymore. Until he left his family. Until he left my mom. Until he left my brother.

Until he left me.

I find myself in a constant cycle of self-destruction, always searching for love in others to suffice for the lack of love I have for myself. I message random guys, trying to fill a void. I download Tinder again after deleting it multiple times, stupidly thinking that this time may be different. Then after talking to these random guys, I start to catch feelings that probably aren't even real feelings but rather more of a want to feel. I start to fall for the idea of being with them, or in a relationship in general and that's when it hits me. Every single time It hits me at the same exact moment. Right when I become emotionally attached I realize the destruction I'm causing myself and the unrealistic standards I create. I realize that what I want isn't going to be with this random guy. I realize that there's a fine line between love and loneliness and that right now I'm lonely. That's when I go cold turkey. I delete them from every social media, I delete their numbers, I even try to delete the memory of them, hoping that if I do all that it can be like none of it had ever happened and I can start over new. I convince myself that I need to start learning to be OK with being alone before I attempt to find love with anyone at all. My ambitious self truly does believe in that moment that I'm going to get better. I am better, in fact, for the next few days. I feel happier. Until I become lonely once again or a guy gives me attention. That's when I fall back into the same old patterns and technically "relapse."

I knew my father always had a drug problem, but It didn't quite hit me until he texted me one day, thinking I was his drug dealer. It didn't quite hit me that my dad was a drug addict until he messaged me and I couldn't understand what he was saying, his words slurred through misspelled words and sentences that didn't make sense -- Those are the only types of texts I receive from my father nowadays. But I can't help but feel bad for him. Every time I receive a text from my dad all I can image is him sitting in darkness, popping pills like candy. I image him crying sometimes, because he knows what he's doing is wrong. I imagine him to be desperate and helpless, as his frail body can't seem to support itself anymore. And then I think of me. Sitting in darkness, absorbing false hope and the idea of love like candy. Sometimes I'm crying, because I know what I'm doing to myself isn't right. Messaging random guys in hopes of feeling a connection out of loneliness isn't right. Downloading Tinder for the fifth time, hoping that someone out there is as desperate as me to go on a site made for hookups when they're looking for love isn't right. I feel desperate and hopeless in these moments of weakness, just as my father does when he goes back to drugs -- even when he told himself yesterday and the day before that, that he was going to get better. I tell myself that I'm going to get better. He wants to focus on coping with loneliness in other ways. He copes with his loneliness by using drugs at all the wrong times. I cope with my loneliness with trying to find love in all the wrong places. He's a drug addict. I'm a love addict. And the only difference is, we are addicted to different things.