Drowning is the word I would use to describe my life for the past few months. It has been hard to open up about the problems I have been facing. My mental health started declining in the first half of the football season. By the end, it was completely shattered.

Let me back up my story.

During the 2018 season, I suffered a heat stroke and toward the end of that season, I had a couple of concussions that I did not report. So, when I suffered a concussion mid-season of 2019, I constantly found myself searching to find the "Caleb" I once was. Part of my recovery after the 2018 season I was prescribed Adderall. So, during the second half of the 2019 football season, I would take high doses of Adderall to feel like "myself" again. Not being able to find the old "me" was taking a physical and mental toll which led to pretty severe anxiety and depression. There were nights where I would not sleep. I'd blankly stare at the ceiling because I was worrying and thinking about "what ifs." I tried so hard to put a smile on my face but the overwhelming thoughts had taken over.

Loved ones wanted to help, but I would push them away. I thought I could conquer these illnesses on my own.

Boy, was I wrong.

I was searching for "myself" in all of the wrong places. I knew that I wasn't myself but didn't know what to do. I really struggled to see myself like this because it created a sense of guilt and shame. I couldn't look in the mirror without feeling sick to my stomach. Voices in my head yelling to "just give up" is an extremely gut-wrenching feeling. I never thought I would hit rock bottom, but here I was. They say that the good thing about rock bottom is that the only way to go is up.

I'm not the type to express my feelings often, so when I do, it all comes to the surface at once. As a result, I was becoming an extremely bitter and toxic person. When your mental health is so bad that it affects your relationships, you know you need to get real help. I said things I didn't mean. I thought things I shouldn't have thought. I did things I shouldn't have done. I tried so incredibly hard trying to control these overwhelming thoughts, but they had completely taken over.

Okay, enough with the sadness. I have been making enormous strides in the right direction. I completely stopped taking my prescribed Adderall, cold turkey — though, doctors advised me to not abruptly stop taking it. Severe withdrawal symptoms include increased depression, irritability, headaches, being more emotional, and increased anxiety. However, I knew that if I suffered through the withdrawals, things would turn around. It's hard enough to take steps in the right direction, but going through the withdrawal symptoms as a first step made it 10x harder, but I was sick of feeling like this.

I have been prescribed two new medications — one helps me sleep and the other boosts the serotonin levels in my brain. I see a psychologist on a weekly basis to find techniques and ways to help me manage anxiety and depression. I have come to realize that it takes a stronger person to seek out help than to try and fight these demons on your own. I have quit drinking alcohol because it is a depressant and it does not help me in becoming a healthy individual again. I'm changing my mindset to think positively, and living in the moment has brought tremendous joy thus far.

There is no better feeling than starting to find your true self again.

I don't know if you have a relationship with God or not, but I do know that God helped me through all of this. He has been by my side every single step of the way. Will there be hard days ahead? Of course! But when things get tough, remember Deuteronomy 31:6, it says "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

If you're struggling with your mental health, keep fighting and know that things will get better. Your mental health is just as important as your physical health. If you feel hopeless and don't know who to talk to, don't hesitate to send me a message and I will do my best to help understand what you are going through.

Every day may not be good, but there IS good in every day. Things will get better.