To Silviu,
I lied when I said I hated you. I lied because I was mad. At you. At the world. At the way time just doesn’t care about the magnitude of our problems, the way it just keeps going forward. I am messed up on the inside and you knew parts of me that I have never told a soul. You saw my colors, the way I couldn’t see them myself. You saw the me that wasn’t my body. You knew my spirit.
I never meant to hurt you. I just wanted to be free enough to do whatever my selfish heart wanted. Being with you, talking to you, laughing with you, came easily. You listened. Even when you thought I was out of my mind, you let a part of you understand. You knew what to say and when to say it. You knew when to let me win a fight even if I was in the wrong. The most comfortable i've ever been was with you. We met my junior year of high school and now that I am entering my junior year at Siena, I can’t imagine the person I would be if you were not a part of my life.
We shared secrets and lighters. We sipped on Guinness and laughed at our youth. We fought like stubborn children, too full of pride to give in, yet made up like the best of friends, with one joke and a grin. You were real to me when everyone else sugar-coated the truth. The yin to my yang, the white to my black.
You died last week and I do not know what life means without you here anymore. I took our friendship for granted. I know this now. When you needed me, I was not always there. Like the time you needed help running errands for your boss and I was too upset to help you. I know that now, and I am sorry. It sucks that there is nothing left for me to do but remember the times we had together. I loved you. Did you know that?
Did you know I believed there would be a time we had together that was a little more than a friendship? I never gave you a chance. I never gave us the chance to have that. I know this now, and I am sorry. For all of the times I led you on and for all of the conversations we had that made you jealous, I am sorry.
You meant so much to me. I cannot express accurately in words exactly what you were to me, but know that I will never forget you. I will never forget us. The Idea of starting my day tomorrow without you just a text away hurts my heart. All I have left is a picture of you. Smiling. Like you knew you’d leave me behind someday. Like you knew what you meant to me all along.
With dreams of brighter days,
Jolene
