The last two days here on Earth have been pretty tough. You see, I am dying from congestive heart failure and my human may not yet be ready for me to leave her. I’m unable to stand up by myself and I can’t eat though she has tried everything from making my favorite Banana bread oatmeal and using a syringe to feed that as well as my second favorite treat of vanilla yogurt to go along with water and Gatorade to stay hydrated and nourished. My body hurts and I am unable to stand or even attempt to sit, my body just collapses to the ground with a thud and I am forced to see, hear and feel the tears from my human’s eyes as she ever so gently tries to comfort me and tell me it is okay she will take care of me. Stranger yet, though my body is slowly shutting down and my limbs are cold as ice as my time is coming to an end, I can feel her warm wet tears shed upon my body unable to control her heartache, and they enter through my soul leaving me troubled that I cannot lick her salty tears and relieve her pain as I have done so many times over the years as we grew up together.
She ever so gently cleans the coughed up mucus and blood from my mouth after I have a coughing spell and wipes me down all while whispering how much she loves me and needs me to know she won’t leave my side. Though she has not much money, she unselfishly spends it on sweaters and socks and better bedding to soothe my weary shadow of a body. She even tries so hard to help me lay down and strains to help lift me up when I get that unexplained need to find a very abstract place never before of interest to nest and lay my body. Her whispers telling me not to worry and begging me to please eat or drink way heavily on me and I try so desperately to look her in the eye and let her know how much I love her and that I need to know she will be okay so that I can cross over the Rainbow Bridge with no regrets or worries and be healthy and free of this paralyzing sickness that is robbing me of reciprocating the unconditional love being expressed by my human girl.
I need her to know that I understood her pain and I tried to walk down the hallway to “our” room where we used to crawl into the bed where for over 11 years we snuggled and shared our deepest secrets and just enjoyed being with each other. Sadly as I got halfway there my body started to sway and feel heavier and heavier, my steps began to slow and my body is overcome with distress from coughing. As I collapse yet again, she brings her bedding to the floor in the hallway and lies beside me propping my head up on “our” pillow and swaddles us in “our” blanket and starts stroking me in my favorite place while singing gentle melodies trying to soothe us both.
I was so glad to lay down with her and have her heart near mine warming what little life I still had inside. My human girl kept stroking my head between my eyes and patting my chest gently as I coughed all the time repeating, “Don’t worry my sweet Echo, I’m here so rest with me.” I have loved this human girl since the first day we met when I was only 9 weeks old and unwanted because I was unable to hear, yet she gave me unconditional love the way that makes me feel like the proudest dog in the world. I know her love is unconditional as she sits and nurses me around the clock 24/7 for 4 days straight.
She really tried to make everything easier and better for me, even though we both knew my health was declining and I had only a matter of hours left with her. On our last night as we cuddled in the entryway to my other human girl’s bedroom doorway where my body collapsed yet again, she stroked my legs, wiped my mouth and cried because the coldness in my legs was creeping up through my body and as she peeked inside my mouth she could see the color was draining from within. I was at my end, my entire body overcome with a foreign cold that was slowly making me fade from love’s embrace and my amazing love filled life. Slowly as she cried herself asleep by my side I begin to see our time together flash by my eyes… from the first time I kissed her face to now when I could only lay here unable to show her how much I loved her and it breaks my heart more. You see, I never wanted my human girl to cry or go through pain that I could not take away for her and yet I was the cause of the very same pain at this moment.
I tried my best to rollover and put my nose to hers and show her that I was just a little tired, and the coldness was overcoming me. My human girl, her mom and I all lay in that doorway and in different times drifted in and out of sleep. It was then I knew my girl would be okay and I could leave. My girl woke up early on the morning of April 7, 2016, with dread and fear because I was not there. She screamed and ran out of the doorway only to find that somehow during the night I had managed to make it back into the hallway near the bathroom before again having to rest my body on the cool bathroom tiles. She begged to stay home with me, and I had to do the hardest thing ever and stare her in the eyes and let her know it was time and life needed to continue for her. I did my best to try to comfort her by allowing her to give me oatmeal and Gatorade from a syringe, though it all came out the side of my mouth as quick as she tried to put it in. I did the best I could to reassure her I would hold on for her to get home that day and as she left through the door to school, I knew I would not be able to keep that promise. My body was unable to grant me my one dying wish. As my girl’s mom went out to work for a few hours with intentions of getting home quickly to take me to the vet to help me be free of pain, I crawled into my favorite “nesting” area and crossed over the Rainbow Bridge trying to spare my human girl the hurt of having to see me suffer knowing I could no longer hold on for her or me. As I was drifting off to my final sleep, I thought I felt the gentle embrace of my girl and as I slowly drew my last breath, I think I heard and felt myself cry this time.
As the cold chill finally took hold of my body and my heart stopped, moments later I was warm, able to breathe and move freely with no pain. Sadly, as I gained my wings, I had to endure watching my human girl find my lifeless body as she arrived home from school, I had to hear her screams of pain and watch as her body shook uncontrollably with tears and regrets for having left me and knowing I died alone. If I could have just reached down to touch her with my paw to let her know things were going to be okay, I would have given anything to have been able to lean on her like I had done many times over the years. This time, as I tried to comfort her, it was if I were just a cloud passing through her. I sat beside her as she lay crying over my cold still body, I watched her swaddle me with our favorite blankets and rest my heavy head upon “our” pillow and watched her hide a treasure of photos of us together, a private note from her to me, under that pillow. I placed an appreciative paw upon her shoulder as I watched her place my favorite toys beside me and wrap me gently in linens and blankets that were her special treasures and as she kissed me goodbye before the final swaddling of my body in her heirloom quilt to make sure my body was never cold again, I leaned in and whispered gently to her not to worry that I will always be there by her side.
As the days of her grief followed, I was able to let her know I was there and I would never leave her ever again and when she asked for a sign to know I was okay while sitting outside in our favorite spot, I gently landed upon her hand in the form of a dragonfly and somehow she knew it was me and that I would always be there for her in spirit and she would never be alone.
