Have you ever had a Jesus high? That thing where you feel on top of the world after a Steubenville conference, a Luke 18, or even a church camp? Me too. It is usually caused by a moment where you knew 110 percent that Jesus was present, that you were loved, and that things were going to be OK. You hope in your heart that the feeling will last forever, but you know in your head that it will pass, and a couple weeks later it does.
So what now?
Now you find yourself doubting whether the experience you had was even real and if God is even there. You are not overwhelmed with joy anymore, and you cannot feel Him near. That is just it. You are looking with feelings instead of with faith. Yes, God can work in and through our feelings, but it is when we cannot feel Him and we continue to pray and worship Him that He is often the closest.
This was the first summer since 2010 that I did not have to ride the Steubenville emotions rollercoaster, and man did it feel good, but I have been there.
After my senior year of high school, I attended my final Steubenville as a teen, and I did not really know what to expect. My grandpa had just passed away, I had just graduated high school, and my faith was in a weird place. Not expecting to have anything too significant happen, I had one of the most amazing experiences of my life.
Saturday night, Adoration began, and I began to fall apart. I was angry with God. He took my grandpa away from me. He sent me constant temptations to fight and battles that had me at rock bottom time and time again. I doubted my worth, my identity as a Catholic and my ability to be loved. As the song "Lay it Down" began to play, I decided it really was time for me to lay it all down because I was suffocating under the weight of it all. As I felt the weight lift from my shoulders, I looked up to find Father Mike Schmitz progressing toward me with Jesus in the monstrance. As I placed my hands over my heart to remind myself that my heart was beating for a reason, Father stopped in front of me. As if this moment of gazing at my Savior two feet in front of me was not beautiful enough, Father then knelt in front of me. My face was three inches from Jesus, as he called for me, his beloved. I will never forget this experience.
Two years ago, I came face to face with Jesus, yet I still find myself doubting His presence.
That is crazy, right? Well, no. We are human. We are driven by our emotions, which are not usually reliable (thanks, Adam and Eve). Like I said before, God works through our emotions, and that is truly a gift, but He also works in our spiritual dryness.
Steubenville is great, and retreats are great, but we often forget the reality of the presence of God in our lives every single day. We need to hold onto these big emotional moments and appreciate them, but we must also take the graces they give us into the desert, into the spiritual dryness, and look for faith, not feelings.
"And lo, I am with you always, even to the end of the age." Matthew 28:20
