When you are single, the dating pool can be really hard to navigate. There's online dating, casual dating, the kind of dating that's not really dating where you two like each other but are afraid of commitment, and the kind of dating that we all dream up in our heads where Prince Charming rides into your life in a fancy Camaro sporting an adorably cute Polo and boat shoes.
When you finally enter into the stage of exclusivity where boundaries dissolve and you are free to be yourself, life is grand. However, there is a phase beforehand that's a particular brand of awful: the texting stage.
During this stage you have to navigate silent social cues and try to figure out what the other person is thinking while simultaneously gaging whether or not you like them. It's awful. Also during this stage, you may encounter what has become known as "Double-Texting." This is a horrible cultural norm that is anxiety inducing, confusing and downright impossible to do correctly. But it's one we're all familiar with, including its stomach-churning stages:
Stage One: The Introduction
Okay, this guy is so cute. He is so entertaining, too! Oh my gosh, he texted me again. He texts so fast! This is the BEST DAY EVER. We'd have really cute kids. Holy. Crap. He even uses the correct 'they're, there and their.' #husbandmaterial
Stage Two: The Over Analysis
Okay. How fast is too fast? I counted 10 seconds before responding. That's a long time. All I can think of is when Sophia Bush in "John Tucker Must Die" looks at Brittany Snow and says, "Not that slow... We don't want him to think you're retarded."
Stage Three: The Radio Silence
Is he dead? I haven't heard from him in a while, so he must be dead. Did I say something stupid? God, that smiley face was such a mistake. He probably thinks I'm a stalker. Do people even use exclamation marks anymore? Maybe I should tone those down...
Stage Four: The Pep-Talk
Dude, stop freaking out. He's probably super busy and you're being a total newb! Play it cool. Don't freak out; he's totally into you. Sarah said that she heard Trevor tell Mike who told Hannah that he's totally into you. Don't freak, you're in the clear.
Stage Five: The Consultation
Christina deals with this a lot. I need to ask her. She'll know what to do. Christina? Do people double-text? She said no, people don't. But I really like him! Should I just.. do it anyways? No. Christina said no. And she's had a bazillion boyfriends. She would know. Okay, I'll just wait.
Stage Six: The Decision
Still haven't heard from him. He probably died. Okay, it's been a really long time. Double-texting becomes totally okay after a certain window of time has passed, right? Okay. I'm just going to send him a quick little message just to remind him that I exist. What do I say? "Hey"? No, that's too cliche. "OMG saw the funniest thing just now!" Wait, but I didn't see anything funny, how do I follow that up?
Stage Seven: The Doubt
I did it. I sent the text. What do I do now? Just... wait here? What if that was a mistake? Holy cow, it was. He thinks I'm crazy. I am crazy. Who even double-texts anymore? Time to break out the Ben & Jerry's. That will probably be the only male contact that I have until I'm 60 years old and have to buy a bunch of cats.
Stage Eight: The Meltdown
Okay, it's official. He told all of his friends that I'm psychotic and I'll never get a date for the rest of my life. I might as well buy my posse of cats, red wine, and Nicolas Sparks films and waste away my life because it's practically nonexistent anyways.
Stage Nine: The Response
He responded! "Hey beautiful, sorry I was at practice." Oh my gosh, I forgot that he was a baseball player. This is the best day ever. I'm getting married. But what do I text back?
