Everything I Never Told You About What I Went Through That Year

I never told you that I was running miles each day to try to outrun my reality. People thought it was to lose weight, but the truth is it was to try to run away from myself, the reality of my life. I ran to have one single thing I could control. I never told you about the time I spent in the gym locker room trying to hold back the tears.

I never told you that it forced me to quit my jobs. It forced me to let the opportunity pass me by and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I never told you that I took a final in 15 minutes because I literally couldn't sit there because nothing was ok. I got my first ever C that semester, but I've never been prouder that I got through it with only one visible flaw.

I never told you that I ended up in therapy because I lost the battle with my mind. Everything was too much to handle and I lost my composure.

I never told you about the times I lost control. The times my vision went black and I couldn't get my heart rate down. I never told you about the times I spent on the bathroom floor pleading with God to spare me.

I never told you how I couldn't sleep for months. I never told you how the "Cheers" theme song always stops me in my tracks because that's what was on TV during my worst nights.

I never told you about all the pills they tried, all the pills that failed. I never told you about the hallucinations.

I never told you that I slept with a bag beside my bed for months because I never knew when my stomach would give up on me.

I never told you how not even you could save me. I never told you any of this because I wanted to spare you.

I never told you that even though it takes four rounds of medication to keep me functioning, but I'm stronger than I've ever been. I'm not the person I used to be, I'm better.

I never told you because I knew that I would make it through.

I knew I'd still be standing at the end of the storm.