My heart sunk and the textbook in front of me suddenly felt a lot more pointless than a college student should perceive it to be. The words that had just come out of my professor’s mouth rung in my ears and changed my view on the semester ahead in just a matter of florescent-lit classroom seconds. Marketing, my major and subject of the class I was in, seemed far less important than the reality of my future.

"I hate to tell you, but this is the best time of your life"

First off, how could this be the best time of my life? Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t miserable. I had a couple great friends, a lot of familiar faces, and a great social network, but I felt there was something missing. It was my sophomore year and I had just come back to school from a summer in which I spent my time contemplating transferring. I just wasn’t truly happy like everyone else seemed to be. I constantly heard my friends from home saying they found their “people” at school, or referring to their school as “the best place on earth”, and I honestly couldn’t say the same. I didn’t feel like I fit in at my school, and didn’t feel like I had found my place on such a large campus. Was I thinking about it too critically? Were the people I talked to just fabricating their experience to make it seem like they had such a great time, in fear of seeming like they weren’t truly happy? Because I was. I told everyone I was having a great time and loved school. But I didn’t. So, feeling like I was the only person who wasn’t happier at college than I was in high school, I panicked. Here I was listening to my professor tell me this was the best time of my life, and all I wanted to do was make it just that, before it was too late. After all, I was at the number one party school in the nation, Syracuse University.

So, how could I make sure I lived the "best time of my life" to be just that? Suddenly, going out, doing wild things, and overusing the word “yes” was the solution to "the best time of my life" formula. I started living by immature sayings that middle school girls edited on to their social media profile pictures: "You only live once", "No one looks back on their life and remembers the nights they got plenty of sleep", and “You have the rest of your life to do work”. Simultaneously, I had the hardest course schedule of my college career thus far. I became a disaster. I went out far more than I could academically afford, treated my body terribly, and twisted my ideals and goals into things that do not breed success. I had become one of the wild girls that I had previously rolled my eyes at. In a short period of time I became the girl that didn't give two sh*ts about responsibility, commitment, or self-respect. And I hated every second of it. But I didn't stop. However, the worst part was I didn’t think anything was wrong with it. I was just being a college girl, right? I was living life to the fullest, right? Not sleeping, not missing out on the social scene, not regretting anything, right? Wrong.

I made myself believe this was what I wanted and this was what I should be doing, what I was supposed to be doing as a college girl. I made myself believe I was finally happy and was finally living the college life that everyone hyped up. I went along with the things that I had previously whole-heartedly disagreed with. I was the worst version of myself. Until, in the process, I tore down the things that meant the most to me. I put my “best time of my life” above my friendships, my relationship, my education, and my future. I just didn’t realize it at the time. And although I was fantastic at hiding it, I had become miserable. But I kept doing it for the thrill I got out of people telling me that it looked like I was having a “great time”, and that they were “so jealous” of my life at school. Little did they know.

However, it came to an end. I received a semester’s-worth of terrible grades, got in trouble with my school, almost lost amazing friendships, and my parents reached their whit’s end with me. My life had turned upside-down and it was time to make myself truly happy.

It took some time, but since then, I’ve come to the realization that the stereotypical “college lifestyle” isn’t for everyone. The things I thought I was supposed to be doing were not the things I enjoy doing. Not to say I don’t enjoy going out with my friends, that I’m not going to anymore, or that I won’t still have an occasional crazy night, but there’s a right and a wrong way to do it. I want it to be an occasion, not a bad habit. I’ve come to realize that I'm not willing to compromise the things I believe and the passions I have to live college the way your peers say it’s supposed to be. Because it’s not supposed to be anything. That's not to say that everyone who lives like I did is trying to be something they’re not like I was. Not everyone going out on a Wednesday instead of reading their textbook or working out is compromising their beliefs, but I was. This may work for others, but not everyone is the same. Now I know what I want in life, and I can appreciate what I do have. Like friends who will be there for me during my worst of times, a beautiful campus with much more to offer than a party scene, finally finding my place in such a big city, and the ability to live a healthy, fit, happy lifestyle thanks to the support of my parents.

I took the biased words of a professor, who clearly peaked in college, and created a lifestyle out of them. Here I was panicking about making sure I lived the best time of my life before it was gone, when in reality it is yet to come. When I finally pulled myself together, I spent some time asking adults, those 10-70 years older than me, when the best time of their life was. The most common answers I got were 20's, 30's, 40's, and some even said the journey is the best part. And here I was, a mere 19 years old, thinking this was all I had, treating "the best years of my life" like they had an expiration date.

So maybe I haven’t found the best time of my life, but the highs & lows of this year have brought me one step closer to getting there. With this, I hope to create my definition of the “best time of my life” now, and for the years to come. Life’s about the journey, and that’s the best part.