My alarm goes off. I'm awake. Okay, just breathe and get up. Just get up because you can do this. I take a deep breath and get out of bed. I put on my clothes muting my thoughts because I don't want to think about today and what might happen, who I might see. If I do, it'll become too much.
Time to leave and officially get going. Just paste on a smile and don't forget to breathe. It'll be okay. Going to class is not that big of a deal and it'll be over before you know it. In class, my face is permanently glued to my notes and I'm pretending to be incredibly busy writing, so the professor doesn't call on me. Please don't call on me. Please don't because my voice will shake, I'll stutter, and I know I'm not stupid, but my thoughts are so jumbled I can't form a coherent thought right now.
Don't panic. Breathe.
Stop clenching your hands and clear your head. People do this stuff all of the time, no need to freak out. God, my stomach is in knots.
Class is over. Thank god. Oh no, it's that new girl who was in my group last week. Please don't come up to me, please don't. Crap, okay. Just smile. Comment on the weather. Do people still do that? Ask her how things are going. Did she invite me to get lunch? Nope. Nope. Abort, abort. I can't do that. I can't. I'm sweating just thinking about it. Say you're crazy busy and need a rain check.
More classes, more twisted insides, and more clenching hands. BREATHE.
The day is over. I'm in my car, away from anyone else. My music is blaring.
Why couldn't I just hold a normal conversation with someone perfectly nice? I want to make friends and meet people, but I get so panicked and scared. Why didn't I speak up in class? I knew the answer and honestly had a valid point that no one brought up. I need to do better tomorrow.
My phone buzzes. Oh no, it's that guy. He wants to go to a movie tonight. My chest clenches. I don't know what to do. I think I like him. I know I like him. But I can't go. I have a mountain of homework. Yes. Perfect excuse. He deserves better than this.
My day is over and I'm in bed, thinking over every single thing that happened today. Why am I like this? I need to do better. People are trying so I need to also. I can't live like this. I can do better. I can breathe. Just breathe.
Stop thinking. And breathe.
I wish someone understood why this is so hard for me. I don't even want to say anything because they'll just say get over it, it's just a little anxiety. If only they knew. If only they knew how many times I thought something over and how many times my nerves became too much. I guess tomorrow is another day. Maybe it'll be better.
I just need to breathe.