I Don't Know What I Want From College

I Don't Know What I Want From College

"We will never be here again."
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One year. Twelve months. 365 days.

It’s been more-or-less a calendar year since I started to ritualistically log onto the Common App website every day after school, dreadfully responding to some variation of the question, “What do you expect to gain from making this monumental decision about your future?”

But one year/twelve months/365 days ago, the answer was simple. I wanted to tell stories, and I wanted to tell them so exceptionally that, in the future, people would be able to turn to my art when they needed it.

Now, a calendar year later, that hasn’t changed. I still stand by that dream. I walk around campus and attend my classes and connect with people, and I am exhilarated and awakened and just the right amount of terrified by the realization that I am exactly where I need to be in terms of my career and the rest of my life. Yes. I know what I want.

It’s just that there’s another dream I forgot to consider in the process. One that strays from cover letters and auditions and interviews. One that matters on such a strange and deeper level.

As someone who grew up on a steady diet of books and TV shows, stories not only fed me but helped me understand the world. Fiction was my guide to reality. It navigated me. And now, I’m terrified to say that I feel lost because I don’t know what I want personally.

I never forged a personal dream that extended beyond my four years in my small-town high school.

I mean, how could I? I grew up connecting to The OC’s core four walking down the pier, to the senior class of West Beverly crying out, “Donna Martin graduates!” to the ephemeral yet infinite moments where the teenagers in their fictional worlds were rightfully invincible. And everything that followed was never as fulfilling or touching or exciting as Nathan Scott making that winning shot or Ryan Atwood racing up the stairs to find Marissa Cooper on New Year’s Eve.

It doesn’t help that the college years consistently make up the worst seasons of TV shows. Gossip Girl without Constance and St. Jude’s felt directionless and empty. Brenda freaking left, and One Tree Hill and Pretty Little Liars skipped over the calamity altogether.

Even Teen Wolf, in its last weeks, fought to keep the characters in a high school setting because there’s something shimmering and ineffably beautiful about the time in your life where every test and fight and kiss feels like the most important thing in the world.

Nothing feels quite as special as the innocence and intensity of a first love, the limitlessness of a long-time friendship, the now that resembles forever.

So maybe it’s not that I don’t know what I want personally as much as it is I don’t know what I want personally…from college. Because I know what I want now.

I want to do it all over again. I want to squeeze through the hallways and know the faces I pass and the histories hidden behind them. I want to spend too much time in the morning making sure every curl falls into the right place because how you present yourself to the world matters—because everything matters.

I want to feel my ribs against the railing of the stadium, feel the bleachers rattle under my feet, and let the electric atmosphere buzz against my skin.

But the time for those experiences is over. And I don’t know what to do with myself.

No one ever wants to be the person who is stuck in the past. The person who, god forbid, “peaked in high school.” Especially if you didn’t. Especially if you were too overwhelmed by AP classes and SATs and too stressed and too sad and too everything to enjoy those incredible moments that were sentimentalized—maybe almost promised to you—in fiction.

No one wants to hold onto what is no longer there. But I don’t know how to move on, because a part of me doesn’t want to.

This emotional aimlessness doesn’t permeate my everyday life. But as an artist and a human being, it’s impossible not to notice its presence. It’s like an open wound, like a relationship that ended without an explanation, a friendship that faded into scattered conversations then a couple hellos then nothing. And, like all open wounds, I know that in another year/twelve months/365 days or so, it’ll heal, and I’ll move on, and all that will remain will be a scar to occasionally remind me of what was. It’s just a matter of time.

Cover Image Credit: Youtube

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11 Things 20-Year-Olds Who Look 12 Are Tired Of Hearing

No, I don't need a kids' menu, thank you very much.
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I used to just laugh it off when someone thought I was 12 years old back when I was in high school, but now that I am three years deep into college getting ready to graduate, I don’t laugh anymore. If you are in the same situation as me looking like a child trying to get into a bar/club and the bouncer is questioning if your ID is fake, please read on — you may relate very much. Here are 11 things 20+ year-olds who look 12 are tired of hearing:


1. I didn’t know they let 12-year-olds work here.

Nope. They don’t.

2. What school do you go to?

Me: Florida State.

Person: University?!

3. *Tries to get a sample at Target* Is your parent nearby?

Let me FaceTime my mom really quick and ask her permission for this protein bar sample.

SEE ALSO: 11 Things 20-Year-Olds Who Look 12 Are Tired Of Saying

4. *Server at a restaurant* Here you go, sweetie. What can I get you, darling? Hi, honey, how are you?

You are no more than three years older than me, there is no need for "sweetie."

5. It’s your birthday? Happy Birthday! How old now, fourteen/fifteen?

6. You look so much older when you wear makeup.

Is that supposed to be a compliment?

7. Wow, you're how old? You look like you are twelve.

Have you seen a twelve-year-old lately?

8. You probably just look young because you're short.


9. *Tries to flirt with a guy* You're a little too young for me I think.

I'm your age. Maybe even older.


10. Are you old enough to see this movie? Can I see your ID please?

11. You're going to be so thankful when you are in your 50's.

So I've been told. Hopefully, it's worth it.

Cover Image Credit: YouTube

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5 Tips For Handling A Quarter Life Crisis

Don't know what to do with your life, me either

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I thought I had my entire life figured out; career, graduate school, moving. All of it. But maybe I was wrong. I have already been accepted to graduate school, have my internship/capstone figured out but then I was given an opportunity of a lifetime to do a different internship that made me question if my plan was the right plan for me. It was terrifying, stressful and difficult to figure out what to do because it affects the rest of my life. But there are some tips you can do to keep your cool.

1.    PLAN PLAN PLAN

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Write that shit down. Take a piece of paper and plan out where each path could take you and the steps you need to take to get to each goal on the path. Seeing it all on paper will slow you down and help determine if what you're thinking is even an option.

2.    Talk to people

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Talk it out, talk to your friends, your family, your advisor. Talk to anyone you can about your plan. You will hear other people's opinions and thoughts. They may have thought of a factor that you didn't. It will help you better understand your thoughts when you explain your tornado brain to someone else.

 3.    Be Open

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This was REALLY hard for me. I talked to probably five different people about the change in life choices and heard both positive and negative thoughts. It is important to be open and listen to the negative idea even if it seems like you're being attacked. It will make you think, are you really prepared for 4-8 more years of school (or whatever else it may be).

 4.    Breathe and Stress Relieve 

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YES, this is 100% one of the biggest most stressful decision you have to make but it is also incredibly important that you are patient, and calm throughout the entire process. It is easier said than done, trust me but take five steps back, seven deep breaths and 20 minutes to relieve the built-up stress. Go to the gym, listen to music, paint, do whatever is going to put a smile on your face and calm you. Then come back to the problem with a clear head to think and process all the options.

5.    Don’t be afraid

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It is literally terrifying when you feel lost, and unsure of what to do with your life. Especially if your family is super strict and you want to keep everyone happy. But REMEMBER it is YOUR life. YOUR future. You have to worry about what is the best option for you and what will make you happy in the long run. Even if it is harder and going to take longer. Be concerned about YOURSELF and not what anyone else thinks of you.

Quarter life crises are totally normal and not fun. Don't feel like you're alone or a failure for being unsure. It is good to explore all your options and be the happiest you can be. If that takes a little freak out and some stress so is it. Just use these steps to make the best of it.

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