Of course you don’t know what to tell me, because I don’t even know what to tell myself. I’m tired .. getting out of bed is the most difficult part of my day. I have no motivation .. I don’t care about work, or school, or even life. I don’t want to leave my house, but at the same time, I feel trapped, like I have no where else to go. I don't want to do any of my favorite things, like go out with friends, or take a walk, or sing in my car, or go to Target, or do yoga. I just don’t want to do anything .. I don’t want to work out, drive, eat, write articles, talk to people, tell Netflix that yes I am still watching, or walk 10 steps to my bathroom so I can pee. No matter how hard I try, I can't find a way to pull myself out of this. So of course you don’t know what to tell me, because I don’t even know what to tell myself.
I want to know that I’m doing the best I can .. that even if all I accomplish today is taking a shower, then that’s okay. I want to know that if I’ve made it this far, then I can make it through today, and tomorrow, and the next day too. I want to know that this sadness doesn’t define me .. that I am not less because I'm hurting. I want to know that this numbness will go away. I want to know that I am worthy of great things .. that one day, things will work out in my favor. I want to know that the worst pain brings the greatest joy. I want to know that it's okay that I'm not okay, and that just because I don't have an explanation as to why I feel this way does not mean that my suffering isn't valid .. that my sadness is meaningless. I want to know that these hard times will help me grow .. that every time I fall, I will learn a new way to pick myself back up. I want to know that if I can’t depend on anyone else, I can always depend on myself. I want to know that the world is not against me, and that there are people who love me, and appreciate me, and value having me in their life. I want to know that even though the dark of night comes, so does the light of a new day.
I want to know that I am worth more than I give myself credit for .. that I do not deserve to feel like I am nothing. I want to know that I am a powerful force, strong enough to battle the toughest of wars.
So instead of “I don’t know what to tell you”, tell me anything else. Tell me I am doing my best, that I can make it through this day, that I am worthy, that I am strong, that I am allowed to hurt, that you love me, and that I can’t give up. Tell me that you are not afraid of the dark .. that you do not fear my pain. Tell me that even though you can't fix my life .. even though you can't solve all of my problems .. even though my world is crumbling .. you will stand with me as it falls.
Tell me that in time, I will take the ruins of my world that has collapsed & will turn it into something beautiful. Tell me that eventually my darkness will fade, and that you’ll be here when I shine again.
